I still don’t get it why do we have to feel…or maybe I actually get it. If you start to imagine a place that suits a music that you are listening…that’s mean you feel it. Sometimes I have music playing in my head when Im in a situation or walking time, you could see that I would have a dancey and hoppy type of walk. What kind of topic is this? Have you try walking at night between tall buildings and you have music through your ears from the headphone? Terribly, I feel I was so small, the buildings which have only 3 floors looked double the amount and took a long time to reach a short destination. Why is that? Why I could feel like that? I just like when I have music on at night on a train. Definitely enjoy looking at the trail of lights and zooming cars with more senses although it is quite dark ambient outside the train window.

B flat, A flat, G, G, F, E flat, F……..

Why music notes have 7? Why the middle note or new octave starts with C instead of A? Why in hexadecimal 10 is equivalent as A? why we have to sing from C - B using Do , Re , Mi , Fa , So and etc instead of Bo, Me, Fi, Ga , Da?

need to be inspired...need to be inspired

looking browsing searching around for music that could inspire me, that could put me back on the right track, that could seep me in, that could reattach back, that could regain that knowledge

they dont understand, they dont understand the way of learning music, the stages after stages, the way isnt the same way that what we learn in class with books and many many texts...that could forget them after an examination.

this is continous and continously non-stop need long hour practising and practising. non-stop practising cherzny or hanon since the day you know how to play...articulation, firm, strength, curve that something couldnt be forgotten.

they dont take it seriously, they think it is leisure...never know something could make it big...and why is it stopping me to continue?

I dont know how to read hardcopy of the newspaper

I dont know how to watch tv

I dont know when is the correct time to eat

I dont know when is the correct time to sleep

I dont know what is late

I dont know what is bedtime

:D :D

haha...I sounded a bit mellow here...dont really like it

Well...there are something that I or we can think about :

- play in the rain. water is the best medicine.

- do silly dancing. could have the weirdest leg/hip swinging, wildly swing hands movement, buttocks swing as if controlling the bladder from pouring out..who cares, feel the joy of it

- sing your heart out. sing as loud as you can. sing in a funnily manner. laugh about it.

- run down and up the big meadow.

- lay down on the ground, spread yourself like 5 stars shape under the starry skies

- sitting on top of the hill

and

- starts to jump :D

I like it when it past the midnight, everyone is sleeping except me.

I have a weird timing. I can take nap anytime I want..and maybe the word sleep has no longer in my dictionary. You are right about the description, there is nothing to confuse you about the difference between nap and sleep. You know better. I dont have a long sleep...I sleep or nap quite many in between.

started to have new schedule for stretching/meditation time..thats 2.00am

:D :D

I havent done anything yet. When I woke up in the morning, turned the tv on while munching my breakfast away and the next thing I knew was...I had my lunch, still sitting in front of the tv. After the belly was full, sitting leaning back and the process started, sleepiness hit the shore and shortly after that went for a nap and got up in a pouring sweat, shirt sticking to the skins and feeling uncomfortable, the heat got me all dizzy. The next thing I knew, I was sitting in front of the tv again, munching a chocolate bar and waiting for the pc to be vacant. Anxious developed when the pc user was still hanging around long in front of the screen, typing away chantingly....

Clock showed 5.45 pm and one day has gone, workers were off work, sun prepared to set and students were getting ready to come home. I hadnt start to do anything or maybe had not even start the actual day. What was it? the time or the phases or whatever that made they day disappeared fast and how am I going to make the day or treat the day like my last day when the day has no meaning. But how can I say the day has no meaning. I would be glad that I had that chocolate bar................................................................................

Calm calm calm calm...tranquility tranquility tranquility...relax relax relax

I lost them I lost them I lost them...Im here seeing something that I havent seen for months or weeks and this feeling hit all sudden. Am I going down to depression in next weeks time? Am I going to be so hopeless? Am I going to be so stuck...yea feel stuck most of the time if feeling of attaching too much with the reality in my eyes.

not bothering about stuck if I found happy happy happy...important thing is to feel happy happy happy...happiness is the attitude of mind, is the key to be free. free to love, free to move, free to play, free to act, free to be free, no barriers no boundaries that is what make everything easy and free to be you...

going to be sacred, going to be composed, going to be aware, learning the art, going to be healed, going to be Hoped going to be well and work

Why are you so depress about? What are you worrying? Why cant we get rid of the worrying? Why we have to worry? What am I worrying right now? What is the thing that circulate in my mind that wants a solution? What is it? What is it? How do you know that you are worrying? Why do you have to look so worried? What is it? What is it? How can you be a carefree when you are worrying that you cant be one? How can you be anything when you are worrying that you cant be anything? How can you be worried when you are actually not worrying anything? Do we worry all the time? Does worry make us move faster? Does worry make you more aware? Is it ok to be worried? I am worry about you?

I have been writing the q or the q, the f of the f straight in a row for approximately 30 minutes now and who can stop me from doing this? Who wants to limit it? Cant stop it when it is all started to circulate around me that I turned to be something that I have never been. The inquisitive of expanding and circling in a sphere of mind wandering, life wandering, all wandering. Have you been wandering blindly?

I am a container that installed with many components, not a machine not a parasite and certainly not a junk. I am fragile. Am I? How do you describe fragile? Do you think that I am easy to break into pieces? What are those pieces? Feelings, emotions…there are intangible. Cant see it, cant touch it…feel it. Feel the energy, feel the colors of life, feel the pain, feel the happiness, feel the sorrow, feel the laughter, feel the stupidity, feel the tiredness, feel the hungry, feel the sleepiness, feel the love, feel the liar, feel the feel. Oh, suddenly I feel if I did spelled the word 'feel' correctly. What do you get from getting all these feelings or feel them? How do you feel about yourself now? What do you feel it is hard to feel? How can you feel anything when you cant even feel nothing? Why do you feel something that no one feel? Where is it that you suppose to feel? When do you have to feel when it is all over? Who is going to feel you? Do you feel something now? Maybe behind your back. Why do I feel being so feel?

I eventually have a lot of time to write out my questionnaires. How do I know to write? Don’t you think it is interesting to know what was your first letter that you had learnt or pronounced or written or word? I eventually surprised myself to write a simple, functioning of C program. I believe in self-taught talent. It comes naturally. Or how does it relates? Do you think you have that special talent in you since the day you were born? See, Im not sure if we really born to know something beforehand. Or the talent is a peanut in us that need to be nourished and developed. What is talent? Do you think you have talent? How can you be sure you have that talent in you? What make you say that you have that certain talent? Does self-confidence has something to do here? You know you are good in this thing but people think you are not. Does it bother you?

A new day of new month of the same year…constantly changing constantly tune up constantly occupy or nothing at all

I feel so stuck at times, no clue of what am I doing. Is this what I want? Is this Life? Is this life that you want to live in?

Questions and more questions that never ends. I still have thousands and zillions of questions to ask, inquire, I am an inquisitive. No one really has the right answer. Who is going to answer for me? Why am I being inquisitive? Does it matter for us to know it? But if you don’t matter, why do we have questions to ask?

We started to questions since the day we were born. Mind wondering, eyes looking, ears hearing, hands touching, legs kicking, nose smelling, mouth tasting. We realised what was it bit by bit, never stop realising till now because either we add more information in us or none at all. How can be done at all? Sometimes I feel I do nothing for months and probably the same thing but it doesn’t stop me from questioning and realising at the end…whether Im doing anything or nothing at all…or why I have been so stuck? Or why I cant do this and that?

Have you been in a situation where you want to approach anyone in this case lecturer, turn up in front of the office and suddenly a big wave hit on your chest, making whole body numb and stun, hands couldn’t knock the door and left? And the next thing you know, starts to question about what just have happen…why cant you knock? Are you afraid of something? Why is so hard? Is this have to do with coward?

We could question anything…about oneself, about you, or just the smallest and simplest thing. I would like to question why was I born here, what is it for? People would say it is pointless of having you here if you turn out to be a useless. What make a person useless in the first place?

Do you think that when we were born, we have already known all this things procedure, policies of living a life? Do we actually know something when we were born? There is a question I got…do we born to be bad or good? First thing first, do you believe in reincarnation? Or before life or after life? I, myself has little knowledge on that. Well, I think that when we were born we knew nothing or maybe something that I'm not even sure. But what we received were good things, good information, good stuffs and we picked up the bad things.

What is bad and good? How do you know it is bad or good?

Happy Holiday to all who is holidaying

- now

- going to

- forever

I dont know why my housemate look at me one kind each time happens to meet in the hallway or coming out from the kitchen. Looks like Im a piece of junk in her eyes. She doesnt or never reply my smile at all and once happened to starr at me. I never talk to her at all.

another one...yea, we do talk in a very minimum level. At times, she has a weird feedback, sounded a bit sarcastic even though we meant to be joking with each other.

hahaha :)

should I know what was I doing or not?

laughing my head off...

that paper : basic economics, accounting and management was certainly unacceptable into my brain.

I wasnt even sure at all on every questions that I answered even most of all had to give the best shoot and even questions that I thought I answered them correctly...just a funny case.

never in my life felt that way for any paper that I sat...just damn funny about it. how is this thing so hard to understand or digest? :))

anyway, I have given the best :D

Finally all settled...not going to see him again and for life.

I made an appointment with Mr Liew at 11am but he was only available at 12 noon so I waited an hour in front of his office and luckily my friend was with me. He wanted to get some tips from him for tomorrow paper but was so afraid to ask.

All settled within a short while with this lecturer and went to see Mr Andrew. He wasnt in his office and so waited at the FIST office lobby for his return.

Suddenly he popped in from nowhere into the FIST office and he still could waved and smiled at me and then asked me if I have gone to see Mr Liew. I told him something and he still had this sarcastics questions and stuff for me. My friend who happened to wait along with me witnessed the way how he spoke to me and agreed that he was a jerk....haha :) all settled..no worries, I had spent so much time waiting for 3 days...dont want to wait anymore, all cleared and I need to score for the paper tomorrow.

:D

haha!

I messed with my lecturer today. I should know that he is an ethics lecturer and do you want what is ethics or being ethical? Well, do tell me.

Truly a tension in his office as well as almost going to blow up but I can still answer him calmly and everything and even had a smiley face.  Bet that he was more pissed off with my character by then eventhough the emails that I sent to him were already an isssue and already pissing him off.

He questioned me about my style of email writing to an officer or people who is higher position that my mails sounded too casual and i didnt have signature at the bottom. Well I use to write mails with signature at the bottom but happened not to include in mails to him yesterday. That was the first thing he questioned me right after I entered his office.

and so he asked me what do I think of myself behaving like that...he continued then "do you think you are the queen of malaysia?". Well that statement almost got me into laughing state.  I said no and all I could to think was I behaved like a human but I didnt said it out.

and he asked a lot of question why this and that and in one part...suddenly he asked me what is my father doing?...father!?whats wrong with my father? what is he got to do with it? and then he asked which school do I came from before coming to this university? haha...as if he is going to call my english teacher back in my secondary school and asked something about me. Well, he looked like he didnt even know where is the school and stuff.

and so almost got into trouble again in one part, making a ferocious eye contact with one another...yea I felt like crying but I cant ...I need to tackle this guy badly. He kept mentioned my name wrongly, that pissed me off too.

I told him that the project marks for Mr Liew session already pasted outside his office...and immediately he questioned "So, are you calling me to go and see it?"...well I was suggesting that I could go up and just looked and recorded down the marks and gave them to him if he trusts me for not being going to change or cheat on the marks...and why would I cheat for the marks? I got a good marks for the project...but then that didnt happen with my suggestion, I just concluded, saying that it might not be a good idea and he agreed afterall he didnt want to hear any suggestion from me and told me not to advise him. Well I wasnt,  I was only suggesting.

He told me what to do and out from his office, had to laugh first although feeling like a huge stone stepping over my body. So, I went up to Mr Liew's office and he wasnt there. He wasnt there most of the time and I waited outside his office for 30minutes and this cleaner, a lady told me that most of the lecturers not in the office this period of time.

After 30 minutes, going back to Mr Samraj's office and he was not there. I think my assumption was correct that he might be invigilating for an exam.

Sometimes...just need to defend yourself/myself in this kind of situation where people is asking some sharp question and you need to be answer them back cleverly and almost sarcastic a-like. if you or I not going to do that, I would feel Im weak or you would feel weak...but sometimes you just cant mess with your lecturer for some reasons because he/she might downgraded you and I hate this idea of downgraded because it isnt fair.

Im just learning to fight for my rights and of course not letting anyone steps on me just like that. I may feel dumb or any students if they just keep quiet and being scolded. What's the point of going to school and learn? That we cant voice out anything to the lecturers or anyone in higher position, thinking that they are always right.

Overall, I didnt apologize for my mistakes...because I believe if a person who says sorry and dont mean it, they might be repeating the same thing. Saying sorry is not a casual thing...It is a word to ensure you that you are trying not to do it again and still cant guarantee that. Well, this thing just make me a stronger person.

I was supposed to study my economics subject, well on process but I have to halt it in order to write the below entry before it demolished from my mind as the time goes by.

and was surprised to receive alert that dad has added me into his yahoo messenger list...and right now chatting ...err I dont like to use the word chatting, and right now talking to him and also my sister. We are having a conference talk between malaysia and china....wahahaha :D. Well, my dad is in China at the moment...damn I hate it when he did not take me along too.

Anyway, lets get nutty for a real phenomenon :P

dreams are so weird...

recently I got to dream back and they were all blurry and yet the vividness were there in some parts.

again...my dream involved many many people, crowded and the people that I have known.

It came with different scenes or jumping scenes, interconnected somehow or part by part. I have to pen it down before I forgot them after waking up for some times. The recalls might happen on the bed, right after waking up and for some times when I sit down quietly, all came slowly as if seeing all that angels flying towards me.

I always get to dream if the night before I got to read something on dreams, astral travel, or maybe some spiritual guide or stuff.

Well, the scenes were something like this...in my house, big compound and everyone came to my house and they were some competition or something and I got to hit my water balloons or something, not just that juices and slimy stuff.

and in some part, got a news that my aunt was going to remarried again. Obviously, she was more happier than the last marriage.

and in some part, I was in the airport, felt like coming back from somewhere and with a guy(blur, cant see his face), my family and my godmother's family were there for the welcoming.

and in some part, still in the airport...I wanted to buy some chocolates. I bet it was hershey's chocolate if i could remembered it clearly. I guess I wanted to buy for the guy.

I dont know what were they meant. but I guess they were all some reflection what I did the day before and wants to be happy! or am I already in happyland?...wahahaha :D yea...nuts

water has such a calming effect...

I strongly do believe that and I cant stop repeating it to myself.

Eventhough how bad day you have, after a water rinse, you'll feel much more better as if water drains all the daydirt out to the hole.

It cleanses...It calms...It clears

I know one thing for sure each time an ulcer or 2 pops up by itself and located at the side of the wall...that shows that im having tension or worrying mode.

There are 3 types appearance of ulcers :

1. accidentally bite

2. tension and worries

3. hot hot soup/ beverages taken in a big gulp