absolutely boring...

haha..

Finally, after all the weeks...finally, finally, this place is already bored for me. Finally, finally...im ready to go back to my nutshell and rock nuttingly

my chemical romance rocks, velvet revolver rocks, lifehouse rocks and most importantly BEATLES rocks

Im having trouble to remember my student ID number, finally, I cant remember what are the last digits.

Finally, Im having trouble too, remembering my previous student ID password and I cant access into the portal for convo registration.

Finally, I made some out of shape pancakes...looks good.

Nevermind in the mean time...LET'S ROCK!

This is good....this is good...better than school trip, not wildlife but about fruits orchard, small educational documentary style group. I liked it, feel the shoes on the solid soil, ants holes, cows, sun scorching brightly, blue skies, flies, bee buzzing, sweat pouring, shirt sticked to my skin. I liked it as I was assigned to be onsite photographer to capture trees, leaves, half ripe fruits, full ripe fruits, flowers under the sun, bottom got hot...I shouldnt have wear black pants.

I liked it...I liked it when travelling in the car and then see something fascinating along the way, stop the car, jump down and take a few shoots and off again.

I liked it...anyone going for wildlife thing, call me along..wahaha

4th American Idol had crowned.

Malaysian Idol 2nd season started with the pre-show auditions yesterday. Audition was held in Kuching, Johor, Penang and Kuala Lumpur last month. Pre-show started with audition in Kuching. I think they had nothing else to put but all clips were all these sissy guys came for audition...I dont know whether malaysia has a bunch or a lot of sissy guys that we dont know or maybe about the location where the east side has much more that kind of..sissy guys or what the hell the swedish or finnish called it as 'knapsu'.

The montage or the transition of the show looked familiar...maybe I was stunned abit by looking at it. I have seen it somewhere....

She doesnt understand why is he behaving like that, she wants to know what is he thinking, she wants to know what is it that causes him to act like that...why is it has effected so much in her life and her other siblings but it is all about knowing things. However, at the end of the day...it is all cleared that his acts or behaviours are not important for her or anyone. Everyone is responsible for their acts and at the end of the day..there is no hard feeling attached about the past or how is it effected to their lives. and at the end of the day, they just have this frame of him as a manipulative father which she realised it just need to drop off the frame.

------------------------- ------

She doesnt like to do or never do anything when her dad is around..no matter what is it:- schoolwork or anything. Everything she does will be a laughing stock or critizes by him. Recently, she got some laughs from him that she didnt know how to stay solo in her solo room and didnt use up all the resources that is already provided. Well, she only use the resource which she thinks is sufficient enough for her.

Didnt she know that her dad is good in everything? She knows, everything that is related to art, she kept aside. She did it when he is not around, in the room, when she knows that he is going to be out long settling some matters and when he is back, everything will be already disappeared from the scene, clearn and tidy, leave no marks to suspect or whatsoever. yea, she likes to do things fast and secrecy within the time she has allocate.

However, she still couldnt get what is he thinking or planning. The people in the house are not been able to tell something whats on their mind, making it so sick that when there is changes, it will be a chaos and drastic ones.

She doesnt talk more than 10 lines each time she travels with her dad in the car but she knew that there are plenty of things running in his mind at once like people hassling in and out from the train which make him get into the wrong road sometimes. He is like talking in himself, maybe could see some mumblings but the jerking hands movement is noticeable as if he is having a conversation of how dissappointing he is or the situation.

Everyone wants to know what is he actually think or plan or what is he have been doing for the family, the budget..we want to know his burden. but there is only thing that is so clear that he wants everyone to do his ways, listen to him, take his decision. I guess he thinks that he is good in planning or making the right choices.

He never listen to his children or his wife's words. He sticks to his own believe that children must obey whatever the parent says. I guess that he has been very much disappointed with his children and he knows that he is losing some hope and power to control. Because of that he starts to have this behaviour again which he doesnt realise, looking for people who wants to listen to him or take his ideas.

what can she do? She just realised the whole phenomenon on this person...haha it doesnt matter or important for her. It was a mindset which caused some hatred and unforgiveness and could be worst blaming and hatred for the rest of her life. It is not necessary and no need too. The frame has been dropped. she may be talk about it again but then would forget it later that what she says are not important to the conversation.

Good Answers

A Kid asks: "Daddy? How did I come into this world?"
The Daddy Answered: "Well, my child, some day I'll have to tell you any way
The Kid asked again: So why not today?

The Dad Responds: Please, listen carefully. Mom and Dad met each
other in a cyber cafe. In the restrooms of that cyber cafe, dad connected
to mom. Mom at that time made some downloads from dad's memory stick.
When dad finished uploading we discovered we used no firewall. Since it was too late to cancel or delete, nine months later we ended up with a virus.

Manners
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, one by one "Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked.

"Just a minute, I have to go piss."
The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite!"

"What about you John, how would you say it?"
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."
The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice
to say the word bathroom at the table."

"And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have
to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get
to meet after supper."
The teacher fainted.

I just couldnt stand girls who think that they are huge where as for real they are not. Come on...dont believe what you see or hear or maybe even better dont believe in anything..you just have to feel good about yourself, your body.

when you think you are huge but you are actually not...you are stressing yourself so much that I bet you just hate to see yourself in the mirror..again mirror cant be trustable. You hate the body you have so much and you want it to be like the a.k.a supermodels or any better looking bodies which could lead you to the wrong way if you are on going the process of resizing.

I have this friend of mine...I think she doesnt have any problem with it, only some behavior and attitude that I couldnt stand. I was walking home with her and she asked me that magic question..'Do you think Im fat? I feel Im fat..' oh no! no! no! that is something that I dont want to hear...I know how to differentiate what is oversize and ok-size...or maybe I could be wrong. Well, upon hearing that of course in my opinion she is not oversize and the next thing I knew, I found myself laughing or one eyebrow went up or what the hell is it...she was trying to tell me, doing some comparison or pointed out a lady for an example how her size now and you know what she actually pointed out a lady who is double her size.

hahaha..laughed my head off! What the hell? Whats wrong with her eyes? What does she see? How can she see herself as a double size of herself? So, I told her that that lady needed some resizing and she did not applicable for that.

after that, I didnt see her for quite some times and suddenly pow! and she really looked terrible and dont make me use Simon Cowell word..'Horrible!' I dont know what she has done to herself. She looked sick.

Anyway...dont make an outrageous comparison

I think science is a creation.

I thought of the anatomay of human breed that we are not related at all with one another. 2 humans create a new creation for themselves and the person who does the carrying...you call it as mother and another person who does the donation..you call it as father. What are they creating?

I dont think getting scholarship can make life much easier. First thing, you are totally saved in the financial aspect but lead you to a very pressure life.

I didnt get the scholarship. It is true...I didnt get that.

however, I was accepted for taking their variable study loan. why variable? because I can get discount when paying back time but it is not that easy...pressure comes along.

If I want to get more discount up tp 70%...I need to work hard to get my pointer GPA in certain level....and If I want to get 100% discount..hoho..that is first class...I need to work even harder.

and I dont see myself now that I can reach that point because it doesnt really matter to get a good result and Im not interested in studying.

Now, I can feel the pressure coming ahead.

What to do then? Lay on the sandy beach, let the water rise till my legs

Are we here to get connected? It is all about connection. There is no so-so. There is either the good or the bad. The opposites..the yin and yang. When you look at this picture of a scenery. It has the greenery grass on the ground and a blue sky above. There are 2 different things but what you see in that picture or a view in front you. Indeed, it is a wonderful picture of scenery. They match so well, making you believe what you see in that picture..beautiful because they have the connection.

Imagine you put your shoes in the freezer. What will happen to your shoes the next day? I dont know. I have never put my shoes in the freezer. So, I dont know the outcome but it doesnt matter. I dont know if you would like the shoes after put it in overnight or how will it look like or any effects. If the shoes show certain weird reaction that it shouldnt be then you know shoes cant stay in the freezer or doesnt belong to be there. They have no connection. They dont have benefits for each other.

I was watching this movie 'Holy Man' and the word 'connected' got stucked in my head which put me into a state of thinking. Maybe there is nothing to think about. It just put me into some awareness. What am I thinking here has nothing to do with anyone or anything? and no one can stop me from thinking.

'Connected', 'Connected'

Where do you normally use it? How many times do you say it? What is it referrring to?

Connect, Conncetion, Connected

Do you think that we are here to get connected, to find conncetion or to be connected? We are connected in many forms, inner and outer to form a network with ourself and others.

I came across with the word somewhere in a forum that I read few days ago. We are here to get connected? or it is all about connection? I may be wrong here. There is no right or wrong. Dont have to take in any of this crap talking of mine. Yes...I may be thinking that Im not right with this thing but it doesnt matter. I cant be right alll the time. I, probably would forget what im trying to say here but the main thing is to let it go. I let go what is it in me. Im letting go od my words. Im letting go of my lines. Im letting go of my thoughts. What could it be wrong here? It doesnt matter how silly it may sound. It doesnt matter if it is not understandable, unpleasant or crap.

Crap is acceptable. Nonsense is something doesnt make any sense that it doesnt have any element or value. Crap is nuts but in the same time does make sense. It is the impossible of the possible.

Are we here to get connect? It is all about conncetion?

16.05.05

Sleeping

Sleep was deep. I felt myself heavy. I had a dream but it was blur and I couldn’t recall any as this only vivid image kept turning up in my head. Somehow I saw myself sleeping or maybe it wasn’t me but still the image had the same position as me, laying with eyes open. It was like a reflection of mirror.

Napping

Again, my sleeping was deep and heavy but nevertheless I had few dreams. Mostly all blur and unclear. The first part where I was dreaming something where I was in the presence, laying on the mattress. I was having my dolphin with me. I didn’t know where did the hell my sis came to the scene. It felt like we had been talking for some time already and I was hiding the dolphin by cover it with papers. It did slipped out a bit and she was interested to know what was it. I replied that it was nothing, it was just a pen. Then, I could sense that I was walking downstairs and told her that I was going to keep this pen to its place, clasping the dolphin in my palm and reveal a bit at the edge to fool her that it was really a pen. As I walked down the stairs, my mind kept thinking it was a pen it was a pen when I reached downstairs and opened my hand. It had turned to be a pen..a real pen and I was laughing hard unbelievable.

My 2nd dream. I was in this place, my primary school area not in but border. I felt I was looking for something but I couldn’t figure what it was. Somehow I got stucked with this other schoolkids in the field, assembly time when I was walking passed the pavement. I knew that I had left that school long time ago but accidentally taken as one and saw a few familiar faces who had left the school long time ago. I was sitting on the bench and a kid grabbed me down, saying that during assembly everyone must squat down, no one can stand up. So I squatted. Then someone warned me to be careful, there were a lot of ants and I looked down to my legs. Ants were already up my legs as I frantically get rid of them by shaking my limbs and that shaking caused me to awake a bit as I felt I was shaking myself to on my mattress as if I was getting rid of the ants too. Almost going to lose that scene after I knew I was dreaming. I stopped my movement and maintained the last scene. Slowly, I drifted back to sleep again and went back to the scene. I was still in the field, assembly had finished. As I turned my head to my right, I saw another familiar face, sitting on the bench with a laptop and I asked something to her, something like interviewing her. 2 people were offering their food to me and I didn’t take it and this quite old man with big round eyes, ragged clothes standing next to my left with a tray of food and took the seat on the bench where the lady sat earlier. He looked like a prolific man, a knowledgeable person from his eyes and his present sent me a shiver. Then, he offered some cookies from his tray to me and another person who was sitting next to me and offered another weird looking stuff, some green stick grass look-alike and this time without hesitation I took the grass look-alike stuff and bite it…..

And came to the 3rd dream. I heard some fireworks, chatters and soon realised that I was in a small party at a rooftop. I was standing in front of a pool. All familiar faces, my relatives from my mother's side and this aunt of mine just jumped into the pool in front of me with full clothes on and came out told me.."Oh my! My pants is wet at the bottom". How idiotic was she jumping off into the pool as if she didn’t have any clue about how deep could it be. Didn’t she know about physics that it is different judgmental when seeing from outside. We were having a steamboat party and saw those familiar faces that for real were going to come for the steamboat party this weekend at my grandma's place. It ended with fireworks.

For real…I received the news today after woke up from nap that the steamboat party had cancelled.

"Your nature is Love. You are the source of Love in your life." - "My nature is Love. I am the source of Love in my life." Know that Love flows through you as Life itself, as that Divine nature that is in and through all of Creation. There is nowhere in Creation that this Divine Force is not present. It is in and through YOU. It is your nature. It is now, and it always has been what you are. Today, instead of going into your world looking for sources of love, attention, or appreciation, try going out there wondering where you can share YOUR love. How many ways can you say "I love you" to your Beloved and all of Creation today?

"You are not responsible for causing other people's
emotional reactions to your reality."- You accept that your interpretations of reality-- the stories in your dreaming mind-- create your emotional responses, and you take full responsibility for them. You no longer blame others for hurting or betraying you, nor do you believe that others can make you happy. In The New Relationship, the partners are free to be who they are and feel what they feel, and they respect each other’s capacity to honor and embrace their own emotions. They do not manipulate their integrity in the name of taking care of their beloved.

"Being the source of love, you are complete within yourself." - The unfortunate truth is that by projecting the lost parts of yourself on to another person, what you are falling in love with is yourself. Thus, there is no resistance nor boundaries to this love reunion. The experiences of "Love at First Sight" and discovering a "Soul Mate" arise from this mistaken belief that something lost inside can be found outside.When you recognize that you are complete within yourself, and you know you are the source of love in your life, you are able to see people for who they truly are. You build your relationships on that reality. The compatibility in your relationships comes from common interests and values, rather than from the attractions of "Mutually Compatible Disowned Selves."

"The Truth is more important than the outcome of the Relationship." - you and your partner agree that each of your feelings, your reality, and your truth are the most important aspects of the relationship. You are willing to risk living as your true self, and let the relationship grow and change accordingly. By not being attached to the outcome of any relationship, you learn to trust that all outcomes are perfect for you-- they are not failures or successes, and have nothing to do with your value or worthiness.Live life as you, show up in all of your relationships as who you are-- especially your relationship with yourself. Let go of your attachment to the outcomes, and put your faith in Life. You will be very happy.

"True happiness is the result of love coming out of you."- Knowing that your nature is Love itself, you discover a happiness that cannot be taken away from you. You are not concerned with how your love is received, because it is your loving, as an expression of your Divine nature, that fills you. Your only desire is to love all of Creation, to see its perfection, and to know and love yourself as a reflection of that perfection. You New Relationship is based on this love. You are free to love without conditions or expectations. You are free.

what I see and been there make me believe that...I or we actually dont really learn anything from my parent especially dealing something in the kitchen...example: making own sandwiches, fried omellete or etc etc

We do a lot of observation on how they do stuff. From observation, we want to put it to practice or practical. It is ok for them to guide us at first but not taking charge the whole practical and they thought they are the one whose actually doing everything.

tips: when a child want to make a sandwiches or anything. you can tell them where are all those ingredients you have keep and some basic safety guide if involve fire or sharp objects usage and then...leave the kitchen

We came back to the area..around Pudu. I could say that it is the heart of KL, a busy area because of the bus terminal. I guess this is place or the first place that most tourist must start from here or get dumped from here.

We came to Petaling Street, a bazaar area, a tourist spot too, selling all kind of stuffs, cheap, fake stuff and food. We went for lunch there..and had a mild feeling of not right. I began to lost some sense on how to use the chopsticks. I was not panic but struggling and decided that I would stop eating if I was still struggling and bothersome but I managed.

Well, Im sorry to say to my cousin if I have a chance but maybe wont do it anyway that my dad is dominating her at the moment, brainwashing her on which course to choose, which university to go. I know my time is overed for that and my brother's time is coming soon. He eventually did all the research for her. I know what he is doing is good but comeon it is just too much. He is thinking too much ...maybe for himself but what about her.

I could sensed that she isnt sure and decided what is she going to do although she already got a place in one of Singapore's university. She is the eldest in her family and I guess she is thinking about her family too as both her parent is mute and deaf and her younger sister. I guess that she feels the responsibility on her family. Anyway, whatever is it..I hope she can make her right decision and hope all the best for her.

I was still standing and waiting and decided to have a drink with my dad in a cafe across the street, enjoyed my 'teh tarik'. I knew that this thing would take up a lot of time. I wanted to walk around, I feel like walking.

Returned back to the lobby...still standing and waiting. My dad looked so anxious. The way how he looked was like waiting for his newborn. I wasnt feel really right at then but didnt bother me much.

I was the follower for the trip..so I cant make any decision where shall we headed next. I had no idea at all. I came along to his trip, so he had came to up with something as I enjoyed the cruising.

I was standing inside the lobbby area of that building, waiting for the interview to end. I think I was more enjoyed sitting outside with the natural air althought it was warm but I like it. However, I dont know since when that my dad wasnt really like to be out there with the natural resource, sweat a little, wipe a little.

Anyway, I was standing and standing and waiting, watching the working adults walked in and out for lunch. I came to realise that working thingy is like returning to school..primary or secondary where all these laws, rules, protocols, dresscode that have to follow.

If you dont like your job or what are you doing, you probably always waiting the time for lunch and when lunch time arrives you are the first one who is excited to get out from the office or maybe suggesting a few good place to eat..like schoolkids, they love recess time. The more longer the recess time the more longer time they got to play and eat and play. When the bell rings...face started to sink long again and waiting for the time to go back home.

The reason to KL today was to fetch my cousin in PuduRaya Bus Station who arrived from melaka for Hong Leong Bank Scholarship interview. Speaking of that scholarship, I was one of the applicant too. I didnt feel bad or anything that I didnt get the call for interview and I present myself to the location where the interview was held. Again, a non beneficial trip for me eventhough I had to wait for almost 2 hours there for her to finish the interview session. Apparently, my dad was the one who was more worried than I do and my cousin. I dont know...I just dont feel anything or having the big hope or hoping or praying day and night if I would get call for any scholarships that I applied. I applied them and then I seemed like forget about it as I feel scholarship thingy is a bit tied down for me because I dont know what will happen in a couple of months. I always get the vision that I wont be finishing in that school or I change school or something else. What I enjoyed the most was taking pictures, taking pictures from inside the car. Not many pictures I took since the camera battery's running out. I got to know where is this place "Esplanade" located. I heard it many time from my sister but I dont know where is it. It seemed to be my sis and her boyfriend fav hanging out place...hehe...shhh! I have a mind of..??? Esplanade located along the street of Jalan Sultan Ismail and P.Ramlee where the whole stretch street bars, pubs, cafes were the dominant in that area.

I woke up with the question sp inning in my mind if I want to go or not. My body wanted to stay but my mind said 'get up and going girl!'. I know that today's roadtrip would be a joyride for me and a non-beneficial nevertheless I was glad to join the cruising beside the driver's seat with an almost dead battery camera.

Cruising in the car was about staying in the nutshell as if a deaf and mute person where heard nothing but music from the car radio. It was totally different from engage yourself out to feel the heat, feel the craziness of honking cars, feel the sweat, feel the busy lifestyles rather than inside is using the ability to see, capture from eyesights.

To reach the capital or KL, it was a snail process especially when it is weekdays and morning time when everybody rushing to work. Cars were everywhere. Every corner, cars piled up like a long gigantic snake. I wonder could they eventually get to work on time. Office hour shouldnt have start at 9am as no one will be arriving on time. I wonder if they any office that start working at 10 or 11am. But the jam in the capital happen anytime of the day.

LIFEHOUSE
"You And Me"

What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

There's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it?
And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive

------------------------- ------------------------- ------------------------- ------------------------- -------------------------

Already 3 weeks now, everytime I listen or sing to this song...I got some chilled

farting ...farting without sound is the most dangerous. it surprises with a smell either pleasant or not at all...but most likely unpleasant.

I was pushing trolley between the shelfs in a supermarket the other day and as I passed by right behind this man, he farted a continuous fart lasted for few seconds...oh damn!

the other day..I didnt know it was already burst out and I happened to start behind my sis and got all sucked up by the smell. As I had told you..farting without sound is dangerous, poisonous...haha

I was watching tv in my mum's bedroom. I went to adjust the tv volume and I heard the sound...my mum just farted right in front of me, next to my face.

My brother was entertaining us in the room, strumming his guitar until he exploded before he runaway from the room.

hahaha :D

There are ways how I make my decision to accept an invitation. After receiving an invitation and in the first few seconds if I don’t have any doubt or ponder on should I go or not, most probably I will accept the invitation spontaneously and if I have doubts, most probably I will reject it.

I accepted the invitation to meet few of my old friends from high school without doubt. I didn’t have a clue who is going to be there and it turned out to be "the circle of the brainy group" which a junior named us that. Yes, in that group had one intelligent person, who always got number one in the class and school for her whole entire primary school. Even when in high school, she was still top and I was waiting for someone to beat her down one day. I would be happy to see that. No one will be always on top, some day will fall and rise again. Everything is like the frequency. At last…there was one or 2 person beat her in the position rank. That was something what I wanted to see. No one is perfect. We just have to make it better each time or improving oneself rather than thinking to be perfect. I, surprised myself too that I got to beat her in an essay writing that I never thought I could be in the first place and she was second. I wasn’t happy or cared about who beats who. I had an unbelievable moment in my life when I won that essay competition. So, that’s what is it about how the brainy group name formed.

6 of us, including me met up for lunch in McDonalds. 2 of them, I hadnt seen them since last October, another one approx 2 years, another one approx 3 years..saw her last on my 19th birthday and another one 5 years..hadnt seen her since we left high school.

There were 2 things that they interested to know when met up for the first 10 minutes…"Do you have a boyfriend?" and "Do you drive or own a car?" I believe that they wanted to say that I was the one who changed a look since the last time. In fact, yes..I did changed a lot in many ways. After that, they want to know my and everyone updates so that they can send the updates to others.

We chatted for about 3 hours about anything that related back with high schools and of course the updates that they know for almost everybody…who is already married? Who is not? Who is going to abroad? Who is already abroad? Right up to teachers…who is married? Who is not? Who is retired? Who got transfer? And not forgetting refreshed our mind on some infamous events happened in that era.

Later, happened to bum with another ex-classmate..when I eventually gave a look at her when she walked passed us and she returned back with the look "not sure" and kept piercing. I was thinking she had forgotten us or me (I was the only one spotted her) which made me laughed a bit and then she stopped and came to greet us. I hadnt seen her right after high school. Talked a little bit..she was working in a photoshop..not to distract her working time…but still managed to talk a little. I got the same comment that I had changed..most probably was the physical look.

On the same day too, same place at the mall happened to bum with my high school PE teacher when I was going to the sport department area. I never thought that he greeted me or could remembered because I knew that he didn’t know my name back then. It was about familiar faces. It was fun and freaky day too…got to meet a lot of junks…haha

I remembered I was a passive kid in the Kindergarten. I think I didnt talk the whole day at all. I was quiet, so quiet and so passive that each time recess time...I didnt go out to play at the playground, only occasionally...only played that bridge thing and sometimes the swing if only other kids happened to ask me to join along, the rest of the time I just stayed in the class, alone for 30minutes...I cant remember clearly but I guess I was sitting in my place for the rest of the day too.

I was closed with this girl and in this age, kids started to have this hatred and assumption but overall..they didnt take it seriously, they probably would forget about it when they have grown up. This girl or I could say, my close friend that time liked to be the leader and we other kids were her follower. What she said, we obeyed.

One day she came to me and told me not to friend with this girl who she thought that girl was nuts. So, everyone didnt speak to that girl which we thought was nuts too. When we were kids, we used to believe to the one that we most trusted no matter if her assumption was wrong or right.

When I entered primary school...this girl and I were in the same school and same class again. We grew up to be good friends or even best. However, she still had this attitude to have everyone to ditch this poor girl. I think we ditched her about many many times during the schooling time.

It was the end of the year. When everyone was going to separate. Time for junior high school...and in the last 5 months. I had been ditched by her. Slowly..day by day as I could that she had changed or maybe I was still a boring or getting boring as her friend. I was an irritating jerk in her eyes...not so bad but some part...yea.

Junior high school...I saw her once in a while, we happened to be on the same pool car to school. Our schools were just neighbour. There was nothing much to talk or say about..as we slowly growing up and it was time to change and seek the best thing for ourselves.

Forgiving is to let go the past, anger, frustration and hate which could make a difference today. It is wasting to have energy accumulated with hate and anger in a person for a long time and the person you have been hating is a lot more happier where the person either forgive and forget or dont take things personally. To be happy is to let go everything that is bothersome in your life.

I need to write an email to a friend.

started my job as accounts data clerk entry 2 days ago at 10pm.

yes...10pm! I work at home, flexible hours. Well, actually helping my dad to key in his half-company's accounts stuff. I have been doing it for quite some time now, especially during my holiday. Im a good worker, fast, reliable, small mistakes on work....but now I couldnt stand sitting in front of the pc, keying the same thing and commited to it, I feel nausea. I found myself, standing up from the chair every 15 minutes, walking here and there.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Borders opens its largest store in Malaysia

By Sean Yoong / Associated Press

KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia - The Ann Arbor based book store chain Borders opened its largest store in the world in Malaysia on Tuesday, saying the multiracial country was chosen because of its diverse culture.

The 60,000-square-foot store at Kuala Lumpur's Berjaya Times Square shopping mall carries more than 200,000 books, movies and music titles with publications available in English, Chinese, and the Malay languages. The number is similar to that in many of its outlets.

Rick Vanzura of Borders Group Inc. said it was the largest of Borders' 1,200 stores worldwide in terms of floor space and its first franchise outlet since the company began expanding globally in 1997.

"One particularly appealing factor that contributed toward our decision to venture into Malaysia was the beauty of the country's multiculturalism," Vanzura, president of Borders Group International, said at the launch of the store. Malaysia's 25 million population is a mix of Malays, Chinese, Indian and many tribes.

"We value the unique backgrounds and differences of our employees, customers and vendors because they result in our ongoing success. We couldn't have chosen a better country than Malaysia to exemplify one of our strongest qualities," he said.

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I visited Borders today and cant easily get lost compared to Kinokuniya KLCC and MPH MidVAlley. A spacious, bright, squarish structure. A store of books, music, movies and cafe. There have most of the genre book. If you cant find any books from Kinokuniya or MPH...most probably you can find the book that you want in Borders.

I had lunch in my godmother's place last week and it was unavoided with the big amount of rice. She cares about not letting us starve and feeling half full, making sure my siblings and I were full with the delicacies that she had prepared for us on the table. I guess that she had a bit guilt in herself that she had to let us go after taking care all of us for almost 2 decades. She certainly couldnt accept a drastic changed but what can we do. we had grown and have to grow. There are always attach and unattach in life but we could not attach to her all life. We need to stand on our feet. She is just worried to see the physical changes in all of us...got all lose in size and she might be thinking or keep thinking that if she would still look after us, we wont look like we are today...hahaha....

and today she sent over that little fried fishes everyone's fav and some meatball in tomato sauce...oh, that was lovely! what was I thinking?...She cooked and she sent her love in an edible form to us. We, ate the dishes, felt blessed and I guessed that everyone's mind started to wander back all the old time we had together back in that old house.

I know..lately my mum wasnt in a good mood, mind got disturbed, worried, sad. worried about the financial in the family. She has been working hard for more than 25 years, dedicated to that solely company since she came to work in Selangor..and clearly be seen that she supported a lot in this family, maybe helping supporting financially all of us.

A good employee, who can come home and cook for all of us, wash, housekeeping, prepare the breakfast, look after us and etc. But there are something that I dont like about her...maybe only my preferences, maybe not so important:

- hate to see her crying over some matter during dinner time and starts to make a lot of cutlery sounds from the plate, spoon, fork, can be pretencious sometimes towards the guests, doesnt even like when we make a slight sarcastic replies, munch to loud, repeat the simple order many times

Have you seen a father come back, buy some food for his family and happy to see the kids and wife actually like what he bought home and enjoy eating them? yes,,,I just realised today. maybe realised long time back then but today I had seen more. He or anyone happies when the eaters are actually like the food and disappointed when the eaters condemn the food when he actually thinks it is good.

So, we just cant see the form of love, we can only show it.

Happy Mother's Day

1 May

Again…finally wrapping all the session, asked to comment anything about this few days event…and I said "I would like to wish thank you and good luck to all" and he sounded a bit surprised.."to all?". Obviously to all.

At the end, the facilitator confessed that the served late lunch and the crashing stuff were just an act to test us. When I think again about the late lunch…yea, they didn’t act properly..haha.

Chilled, chilled, chilled! Got chilled each time had to sing friend song 

30 April

Morning exercise was the worst. Few people skipped the exercise and rather chose to continue their sleep but I guessed no one was actually really concentrating on the exercise. All they think about was Food. Yes..Food! Eyes kept piercing to the canteen to see if the food had prepared.

I just didn’t understand why. Why they have to rush to get the food or to be the first in line? As far as I know, food couldn’t runaway, they decrease. They seemed to be alive for breakfast but looked like a sick chicken in the field.

For real I really like or I am a listener as well as an observer. We did a small debate on certain issues. I helped my group to pin out some points and I just couldn’t question wittily like them or ask any question. As I mentioned, I couldn’t construct question or anything on the spot. I need some time to look, hear, digest them before do some thinking. In the meantime, I watched, listened and observed.

I didn’t feel right after the lunch.  I could turned to be the grumpiest person on earth if someone would come and ask me some unwanted questions. I chose to have a short nap than eat. I had less than 3 hours sleep the night before and woke up from nap abruptly thinking I was late. I had stopped helping them reassemble the puzzles and oh mine!

So I sat and watched them did the puzzle and around. In the same time, I felt there was a certain energy that hit me and I became myself…the usual, weird who likes to sit and look. I guessed that it continued to happen when having a group invention, nothing in my mind and I couldn’t do anything with the groupwork…maybe a little. It was very less. I could feel the hot energy between my palms and a little like electric shocks at the tip of the fingers.

After creating the new invention of an object, there was a lady came to evaluate the invention. She was friendly from her first look and slowly started to lost her focus  as if she had an urgent thing to do and later she started to crash the new object that we created and left. The question now was…how do you feel or react if someone crashes your invention? We were given time to write what we felt and what we supposed to do it we did stopped her? I guessed that I had a very different point of view from everyone else and even my 2 facilitator couldn’t understand why I feel like that and I think that no one agreed with me except one fella. I wasn’t sure if he did understood me.

The question was to tell how I feel now after seeing the crashed and not on the issue that we should do this or that to improve the object. I eventually told that the lady did it purposely and what can we do is laugh about her act. It is wasting time to keep or feel the feeling of anger, hate or disappointment. It may sound that we didn’t defend our rights. This made it more funnier knowing about human behavior even though it is for testing or in real situation . Just don’t take things too personally. Our emotions are too real…I almost wanted to tell that girl how real she is, her emotions and feelings…damn, I read too much of C.C stuffs. I eventually read about it before I came for the workshop.

I was tensed when the facilitator started to ask one by one about our futures. I didn’t have a thought of it that didn’t mean that I didn’t care about my future or I didn’t have aim or goal. For real, I cant see my future right now. All I could think is the present, enjoy my life, appreciate the things around me and learn because I don’t know what my future holds. I don’t if I could live until the time that I expected things to be happened. There is only one thing…do what I really want and like.

I had no idea what my other group members would think about me. Maybe that wasn’t matter at all. Let they had their own assumptions. I could accept whatever it is with an open heart and arms.

I think that they had one question about me in their mind. They simply didn’t understand the way I thought.

At night we met again as a group. Everyone wanted to hear what I would comment each time I speak or maybe not at all. I may be sound our of context from their perspective.

I wasn’t sure if I were to say that it was expected that the facilitator would ask something about religion. I laughed in my heart and thinking..oh my god, religion! I told them the truth and I guessed that they had this very little idea about free thinkers and after that we were given one last chance to say whatever we want on why we deserve the scholarship or why do we need it. We were given time to think. I had no idea what to say because the main reason that I had like everyone else…to get financial aid for my fees and the way how the facilitator said the word 'rayuan' which means beg in english really halted me from saying anything. I don’t beg. I don’t like begging for something. I couldn’t tell about how poor or devastating my family condition that I really really need the financial aid. After all, everyone had one thing in their mind…money for study. Simple as that…I couldn’t imagine some people would actually tell about they would be good worker and they would be willing to serve Telekom for years. So, I decided not to say anything.

Before we wrapped the session for 2days, the facilitator asked me if I have anything to say. I didn’t think long and said 'Thank You'…and he was stunned asking me "that's all you got…everyone else is saying long" and I assured him that that what I wanted to say…short and simple.

I bet that…he had a difficult time to understand me.

29 April

It was more clearer today. Look at those faces! Top scorers for SPM. I wasn’t even qualified for that if I was in that category and yet I still couldn’t categorize myself. I wasn’t even sure if I had to be in the 1st year degree group or diploma group when we had to divide into groups. I joined in diploma group.

Exercise in the morning was just a warm-up exercise which I felt I did nothing but I did what I had to do..stretched, I stretched as elastic as possible. Girls from behind me kept complaining about the heavyweight of the exercise. It wasn’t even a heavy exercise such as that would drench you in buckets of sweats, muscle pain for days or fall flat after kilometres run. This showed that they didn’t do much exercise.

The talk from one of the academician from MMU was informative but I couldn’t stand my sleepiness in the hall. He talked about how good is MMY. I, a student there certainly didn’t know well about how it is because all the time I see was unfriendly and rude staffs in the department. MMU has a collaboration with some big companies such as Microsoft, NTT, Nokia, Siemens to name a few. In a drowsy manner, I had a question in my head. Do we study for knowledge or for work? Well, everyone knows that the next level after studying is working. It sounds a bit routine and organize or have to do what we have to do. Now, the question is who do we need to work? What actually can you get or the satisfaction from working? You know, working spans more years of our lives than in school.

Nobody knew how to sing that Patriotic Song during the Ice breaking session. I couldn’t remember all of the names or I couldn’t match the names with the faces but I actually or still have a good memory. My record for memorize a text with 10 lines took me about 10 minutes. Each time I took a look at my watch and it was just 5 minutes passed from the last time I took a look.

Boredom, Well maybe a bit but in a very minimum level. I just have to feel the fun of it, doesn’t have to be strict with myself and I'll find myself laughing at some jokes. For me, I always picture myself as a spy or a journalist that have been dumped in some places to be in the crowd in any situations and then report what I have seen. I like to put it as a 'Mission'

I could say that, those fella who designed this program loves to dance. Of course it was entertaining with music. Each group had to dance according to the music. Some may feel as if they were a fool on the stage, hopping around and wagging their tails. It was a good thing too. Since they didn’t like to even do a simple exercise, dancing may help them to loosen up a bit.

We were given an assignment to combine all the 1000 pieces puzzles. We started out at 11pm and adjourned around 3 in the morning. We couldn’t bare the tiredness and sleepiness although we had set our goal to finish it tonight with the manpower we had but still couldn’t do it.

- Hot cocoa powder

- coffee mate

- milk powder

- butter

- small chunks of chocolate

- oats

Mix everything in hot boiled water and stir stir stir. Pour it into a tray and put it in the freezer.

28 April

I was dumped here, 8th College Kinabalu in UM was like in the middle of the jungle. I was selected for the YTM Scholarship Student Selection Workshop. Yeah…I was in a midst of nerds, geeks, people who actually really study for the sake of studying or people who is coincidently got a good result. I couldn’t categorize myself.

I wasn’t sure If I went to the right floor because I couldn’t open the room door with my key. Sharing room, looked pretty old to me, big wooden cupboard, crafted walls with mathematics formulas and the ceiling looked like going to fall anytime.

One problem was everything had to be on queue, long long queue. I had to wait to take my food for about 30minutes or more but I spent most of my time waiting on my seat. I couldn’t stand lining up and I was the 2nd last in line. Speaking of queue…frustrated when to think about sharing the toilets with 15 other girls or more. I had experienced of waiting my turn to shower and my turn had to be the ninth which was last. When I was standing, brushing my teeth in front of the mirror. I was really not comfortable seeing another person next to me and apparently doing the same thing. This should be exciting or maybe not. I actually experienced something like a military camp where everything shared, look-a-like and in order.