I happened to be emotional when woke up this morning. I had some kind of sense that I was seeing him in my subconcious/conciousness that he turned to me and said something \"good morning\" or something. I felt like giving him a hug when he turned to me but then realised that shadow was my sister....and it was all gone, woke up with only myself on the bed. Honestly, I was a bit teary at this moment after waking up, trying to hold it. I may sound a bit exaggerated with this thing but then maybe this is some kind of way to get rid of the clinging of him. I believe that one day, im going to be ok with this. But for now, I want to see him online, to talk a bit and hopefully that could help me feeling much better and goes on. But I dont know, if he started to think about himself and only him and always himself and the best solution for himself without thinking about other people. Somehow I think that is selfish. Well, he wont get offended if I said that..haha.

Oh! now I feel like talking to him and cry a bit and smile and laugh...that would be good :). haha...if my wish comes true...I would be happy :) I hope he knows how to think that this might be difficult for me as he had stepped into my place, room and other places, might difficult to dissolve and this was the first time for me being with a man. I have to learn, be strong and stuffs. I guess it would be easy for him to adjust himself back at home. I dont know..because I have not leave any of my stains there.

I could be in empathy if I observed someone long enough and be with long enough. Somehow could feel myself in some form of the same behaviours or modes of his. My mum still worried about my tan and me getting thinner. What??!!! She thought that my legs and arms are getting thinner. What??!!??? Eyes can be so deceiving. Is she trying to scare herself or me? and the other person still thinks that my study loan is a free loan. What??!!!?? Well, it could be free if I would make it happen but I couldnt even sure. What???!!!??? They are still very stick to their own beliefs and there is nothing new to be worried about. It is all about the same old things. How boring is that? My mum still thinks that I dont even know how to take care of myself. They somehow believes that I dont know how to eat or I dont even eat at all. What??!!?? They dont even listen to my stories of my eating outing. They always think that their choices are somehow better. Well, I enjoy myself with my own eating outing stories and smile broadly thinking about that good meal. As for them, keep up the good work of thinking about the same old stuffs. Well, if they dont listen to me, I wont listen to them....maybe thats how it should go. I am more calm and I started to feel a bit sleepy, that is even great. I felt as if I didnt sleep at all last night.  :)

Happy New Year!

I guess I have clearing my junks for 3 or 4 times already today until my a**hole started to be sore...haha. Yes, yes...honestly I still spend some time crying today. But I guess it wasnt so worse, it was a cried + smile + laugh. What makes me cry was when I happened to think the good things happened to me, the time we were together, the things that I have learnt and the best things that he had given to me and vice versa. I guess that if yesterday we would have more time for crying, smiling, laughing and talking about this stuffs..I guess we would have a good feeling of leaving each other or I dont know. But I guess cry and talk feel so good and get more clearer at least for me and might started to feel grateful and thankful. I think it was a bit in hurry although there is nothing to be hurry,,,haha but then time kept moving and couldnt turn back the time or slow it down. I guess it might be true that we will only appreciate someone when they are gone. I dont know but I guess it was true at this point.

I happened to think that both of us on the journey back to the place where we came from/ birthplace. I felt like I was an alien who just came back from abroad with some knowledge, walked about the city and yet still I have the same feeling like I had at the airport (outside from the tv box).

Was it a sign? reminder? or coincindent? I kept seeing Nokia sign and some small flags or Sweden and Finland. Well, they didnt freak me out instead made me smile and I think that that might be some kind of sign.

At times, I could feel that I might having a big problem of controlling my emotion for missing him too much. I know that it isnt that good for me because it's only making me more stuck and probably would do silly stuffs. For that I have to divert my thinking to something more positive eg: my goals or something dull...haha. But then, I hope I can talk to him about it at the nearest future so that I can get thru it and then unattach.

I couldnt even have a big lunch because I dont even have my lunches for many many days when with him. Well, my lunch was my 2nd breakfast...Oatmeal. I think I must try to cook that for myself one day. I need to stop to think about the massage oil in my room and the blanket. :D ...I need to remove all the clinging smells...haha

I couldnt really sleep well but I did slept. Even though only slept for 5 hours, I wasnt really tired when I got up. I got a few dreams throughout the sleeping process. Basically there were all about me and Iga at the airport, his last images and etc. On one part, it was about that when I happened to open my backpack, his missing christmas hat was inside my backpack. Even though it was broken but then it was clearly that the hat was belonged to him...haha

I had a frequent urination since last night, maybe because I had coffee at night or something else. I dont know and today I have frequent urge to toilet for big bladder. Im not sure what is it. Tension, afraid? or I just got that "shitty thingy" from him....haha. Oh well, Im trying to adjust myself to be alone again and maybe staying and proceed the new me strength which I got at the moment. Even though, I still missing him, the time we had together, the crying moment and I could weep a bit, I tried to smile and think about something good had happened in my life and I would like to strife the best for myself, to find the path that I want. I hope whatever im saying here isnt any nonsense stuffs. I believe I can do it and I want to go for it, maybe this is my New Year's Resolution...haha

When I got into the backseat of the car, I felt good indeed, very strong, totally proud of myself and I can smile that I have done something for myself and glad that something nice happened in my life. There is always something to be learnt. There was no any differences with my parents. I started to see how stereotype people can be. I felt good for myself because I felt so much different. Maybe yea, I did learnt and see many things within these 84 days with Iga. Many thanks to Iga. I felt good again when happened to pass by the big sign of "Nokia Connecting People". It was like a sign and good tagline. Somehow I feel like I have been upgraded to another level in my life and hope I can make it thru without degrading it. I cried a bit...yea, and in the same time, I felt good, I can even smile.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Im feeling terrible today. I can say that it is strictly undeniable that im missing him. The day that has no shield on, no hidden feeling. It is all expressing out. There are 2 states which I can go into. For few days, I have been strong, deniable, shield but thats already too much...it isnt me at all. Another state which only will kill myself with it because it would be so unfocus and etc. Anyhow, im revealing that im :cry: and im starting to be out of place but still can hold it. How dumb I was that I didnt tell him how much or im started to miss him...dumb me! now, I wont be able to get what I want and I dont know what should I do. this :cry: only making situation more worse but thats from me, inside....the real me.

oh, I started to think how dumb I am to miss out the opportunity to say it to him.

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doing discrete assignment

finally I can get up by myself, I dont need an "alarm clock". My friend asked me whether if I want to continue to do Master degree after complete this bachelor degree. I happened to reply "No, I want to do other bachelor degrees or even diplomas" and she started to shriek of shock at her top of her lungs with comment "You must be crazy". They might have already assumption that I might leave this place but of course they dont mean seriously which meant that they were just teasing and joking but somehow I started to think...yes, I want to do something different, crazy and want to shock them more with my short term plans. People might start to bug me that I didnt think for my 5 years ahead or to come. Basically I can see or I cant see my future. It is shadowy but I have some kind of vision about it. So, it doesnt matter how does it might effect me. Short plans will lead somewhere...and there are always choices to make between the interval.

an hour for class

I dont like it anymore, it is too much, too worried, too much calling...making me stress as if I dont know how to take care of myself. I wanted to off my phone from any disturbance. Well, it isnt disturbance but it is too much. Repeating the same things and asking the same things and might happen to repeat it consecutive days which she didnt realise it. and I have been honest about it and for that I have to hear more worried lines, maybe that is already expected because I want to be truth to myself...more lines with just one truth word.

writing project assignment

A mixture of dreaming and real..however I did feel that my stomach was in some pain at dawn. I couldnt wake up....well, a bit alert but fall back to sleep and eventually returned back to the dream. The dream as usual...running but couldnt run fast, in a slow motion form and also jumping. I was having difficulty to fall alseep at the beginning of the night but I did. I woke up in the morning with slight stomachache and thought this time might get more worse but recovered later. Im still feeling not right. I washed my clothes by myself using the washing machine for the first time...how proud i am :P ..hahahaha!

writing project assignment

Spent 2 days studied a total of 12 hours and finished answering the exam questions in 30 minutes...how fairly sequence was that? The paper wasnt that hard. I was only a bit not sure with the chart part because I happened didnt see that part on the textbook. But anyway, it was ok.

I still have a slight dizziness, might be caused by dehydration or diarrhea. The sky night was pitch dark like an artblock with foreground elements of the moon and the bright star just few meters away from it. It was pretty clear and bright as though I was dreaming. Yes, I still have a slight dizzy and a bit blur, everything I see seemed to be unreal and nice...wahahaha

yep...and I have bruises on my rear thighs because of the yesterday's mishap.

Free night!

December, 4 dec 2005

7pm - testing to put some clothes on the window room, climbing the chair up but couldnt reach the other side and stepped on the pc table and the next thing I knew I was tumbling down, stepped on my printer and garbage bin and the chair went upside down and I was on the floor hit my back on the door....and the next thing I knew, I started to laugh hysterically. :D

Saturday, 3 Dec 2005 :

10 am - My condition still wasnt that good.

3pm - Shopping! I had no mood for shopping as my condition started to be more worse, suffered some back pain because of the stomach pain, couldnt really walk much, just need to sit and sit. After 3 hours shopping, arrived at my grandma's place and had a nap. Somehow I had a slight feverish after that, making me all weak and tired. Still feeling uncomfortable at night, I had to study for an exam on Monday and retired early.

3am - tossing and turning, couldnt really sleep because stomach pain had worsen, visited the toilet many times during the night, almost going to the hospital in that hour for a checkup. I wanted to send a message to him, to call him to come back to look after me on Sunday but I didnt for some reasons. I had to sleep sitting on the bed, leg folded and bended down forward.

10am - Went to see doctor again. Doctor looked old with thick lens glasses and prescribed some medicine using some medical jargons that I barely understand what was it...haha.

4pm - feeling much better now but still visit the toilet quite often. Im tired, and got to study now...see ya!