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| 84 days hax expired - Part 47 |
| 01.28.06 (12:31 am) [edit] |
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I think Im down a bit again...haha, maybe worrying about my own life. Somehow I like the feeling that I have nothing. I just feel too much being here, too much provided and nobody saying anything. Am I waiting again? The 22nd year was the best for me. I rebel, I caused trouble, headache and whatsoever. they are all for goods. Still pretty much long way to go, healing process doesnt heal instantly, it takes time for sure. Love.Freedom.Happy. Somehow I think that I have some envy and jealousy that I need to get rid off. My imaginatin works so well as if Im the spectator or maybe I am. It doesnt look nice. It might caused me some fear or maybe it is a test for healing. I have to see it.
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| 84 days has expired - Part 46 |
| 01.27.06 (5:06 pm) [edit] |
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I wasnt feel any bad or maybe I have expected the outcome or maybe not. But I knew something would go wrong. I cant describe my feeling exactly, somehow was ok or happy to believe in it. What im talking here is my exam result. I have expected either both fails or either one or none at all. Somehow I feel, the first paper was most likely to be failed but it didnt happen. I guess it must have pass the line so badly and the other paper failed so greatly.
My dream was blurred. Somehow, I think I dreamt of him again and camera. Yea, I was browsing for camera before sleeping. But I cant recall, cant remember the scene and etc. I woke up, feeling a bit bad because it feels like he treated me badly and I cant purchase the camera.
Anyway, Happy Chinese New Year :)
Friday 27.01.06-5.03pm
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| 84 days has expired - Part 45 |
| 01.26.06 (5:32 pm) [edit] |
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Another deep afternoon nap, practically pretty same like the last one. I saw him in my dreams, twice with different scenes. We were in a different place, couldnt recognize. And woke myself up, opening my ears and that Bob Marley song was on the radio.
yes,have been sleeping long hours and I confess that I am boring here...haha.
I guess if anyone would ask me, how we were doing. I think we have done quite well for us and for this. We discovered that there are something that we must get rid from ourselves and yea, we did turned some situation to ok again and we did learnt something together.
*Tomorrow pass/fail result out...oh no! :D
Happy Chinese New Year
Thursday 26.01.06 - 5.30pm
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| 84 days has expired - Part 44 |
| 01.25.06 (11:26 pm) [edit] |
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I am a Queen but I didnt use the privilege that I have to be one instead I became a slave. A slave of hiding my thoughts. I wasnt in control of myself and either the situations. I was just a follower. I was afraid what my suggestions would be unacceptable. I was afraid if we would follow my plan and something goes wrong, Im the one who has to bear the responsiblity and so I seldom participate in making plan other than agreeing everything. And also, I thought I have make alot of plans and let him for once to do all the planning. Oh well, I was just afraid and I was waiting for himself to make all the plans instead because I just want him to do it but then I should have participate in it too.
Wednesday 25.01.06 - 11.22pm
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| 84 days has expired - Part 43 |
| 01.24.06 (6:15 pm) [edit] |
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I got a few dreams. One of them was I dreamt of him. Second one was a bit eerie and the third one got stabbed.
It must be funny that now I feel that this place is sucking my energy away :D because here, people are trying to hide or deny something, so probably it looked so tensed.
Tuesday 24.1.06 - 6.12pm
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| 84 days has expired - Part 42 |
| 01.24.06 (12:42 am) [edit] |
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hmm...I think I dont really like coming back to my hometown. I started to like my place again. I guess thats love...haha. These people trying to lure me back by their negative thoughts that I wont have anything to do there or I shouldnt stay alone, it is bad for my mind and etc. But hey, I have stay there for a year and now you are telling me that I shouldnt be there. Sometimes I feel, they take me for granted. Help you to clean the house, do this and that. Well I guess most ordinary students like me would feel the same. They are like..'oh, im happy, you are back. now you can help me to do this tomorrow..' Uhh! hmm, maybe I feel a bit stuck here. Im sensing something but keep it low.
* maybe I wasnt the real me back then
Tuesday 23.1.06 - 12.39am
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| 84 days has expired - Part 42 |
| 01.24.06 (12:25 am) [edit] |
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Take a scenic route home, no hurry even it takes more longer hours than usual, enjoy the scenic view.
I guess to heal the emotional body, it is a good idea for me to live within the memories. When I start to have self-realization about myself and the whole thing, it is time to heal, bit by bit that I would get something new thought or realization everyday.
When I was in that state back then, yes I said that It was difficult for me to go on as all those memories we had together stucked in my head and missing it, possessive, want more and want it but I guess I am much more better now that those places we visited before not going to bring me down to tears anymore and stuck with depression. Instead, I wont feel anything or it makes me smile or I could talk about it. There are 2 places that I want to visit the airport and secret recipe.
Well anyway, we did have some good times together :)
Tuesday 24.1.06 - 12.26am
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| 84 days has expired - Part 41 |
| 01.22.06 (10:35 pm) [edit] |
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I am pretty much clear with my thoughts and I could analyzed all my doings. No regrets involved, just looking back, getting to know the real intention behind it and move forward.
Yes, I guess I have only 3 problems, possessive, fear and cant speak my mind. It looks like Im going for repetition. I love just the way you are but I guess my love for him diminished slowly because I was addicted which means abusing myself to the level that it wasn’t me anymore or just selfish and greedy. Addicted and need my dose everyday. Feeling anxious if I didn’t get my dose.
I have showed a little bit of my action to my parents that yes, I am doing something. That I have sensible thinking, I have been thinking of improving myself, maybe responsible for my act. The whole thing has changed their perception on me since this case. It just feel like a new era for me, things start to change and they do change, slowly and patiently.
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| 84 days has expired - Part 40 |
| 01.22.06 (1:19 pm) [edit] |
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I have planned to go to Bookstore and I must. If I still sitting around here, I wont be going anywhere. So with a weary head, I headed out and that time thunder roared, rain going to arrive soon. And so, I proceeded with my plan. Sitting at the bus stop, dark clouds getting closer and spread. Wind started to hit, flying leaves from every direction. Wow, this was it! I was going to stuck in the rain as I thought to myself. Rain started to be wild as I was in time to aboard the bus and the rain just let it go from above. EOS 300V is also another film based SLR…uhh, I know 350D is the latest one but it is too expensive to own one as 300D might not in production anymore. After 2 hours, I was back home, really tired and had a nap. Woke up after an hour, still feeling tired as if going to fall sick..uhh. Anyway, Im still alive. I'll be ok soon.
Although recently Im interested in knowing about spiritual and wanted to live my life spiritually but I still couldn’t find the answer what is spirit. Sometimes it feels that I could sense something about it but still couldn’t see it as in whole picture. What is it? Is it our nagual? Or our Will?
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| 84 days has expired - Part 39 |
| 01.21.06 (1:46 pm) [edit] |
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Oh, I had difficulty in sleeping, Started to sleep at 4am, tossed and turned woke up again at 5am, turning back on my pc to put some music. And then, I did slept for 2 hours. Because at night, I noticed that music sounded good to my ear and somehow I was quite listened to it attentively as if it was flowing into my ear.
Woke up around 7 am plus, put away the music as I didn’t want myself to get used to it by listening while sleeping. Maybe next time I cant sleep without music. And so, put it off and tried to sleep again and it just didn’t work, My mind started to be busy, constructing sentences and too busy thinking about stuffs. Mind should keep in silence rather than busy as it would give me a hard time resting and so woke up and put back some music and it worked. I continued to sleep for 4 hours and now my head still a bit weary.
I cant say much how am I progressing here because stability that counts and when I have sense that Im strong for a certain limit maybe then I can reveal it out. I have said whatever I want to say to him and I think there is still more. He is joking all the time, what? Every lines he said doesn’t mean anything? Every lines or opinion you gave is a lie? The whole thing is a joke too? Your expression is a joke too? You gave me hope and believes are joke too? Well done, I must have eaten all your jokes with appetite. That I have forgotten that people's opinion has nothing to do with me, it is all about you.
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| 84 days has expired - Part 38 |
| 01.21.06 (1:30 pm) [edit] |
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Right woke up and penned down some dreams that I have seen.
1. I got to go Finland and he looked very different in physical appearance. He has gone quite plum and rounded with all same straight length hair underneath his ear and wore glasses. We went to McD and somehow the whole place doesn’t look like Finland. I was surprised that they used MYR has the currency trading.
2. There was some snow and a few of them going to compete in racing. Each of them has their own vehicle, using all kind of vehicles. I was there, standing there, supporting him as he was in the race too.
3. Me and godmother family went for a short excursion, visiting this hmm weird temple. And legend has it all…haha, that there is a human monster has been kept inside there for a long time, it was none other than Iga. And so they went on the visiting around the area and I sneaked it into his room. It felt like we didn’t see each other for a long time and we were happy to see each other. Somehow his room started to change shape to more like a flat. People passing by from outside could peep inside and didn’t know why they had lunch just outside his room and some inside. I was trapped, hiding under the bed, keep insisting him to shut the window and at last I couldn’t stand it and I came out from it.
Ok, now that bank knows my number. Well done, dad! Now, they are going to bug my life regularly. Stalking on how I feel now, yes…a bit irritated. I cant make an assume thing. Are they trying to get me realise something? Well, hey…I know how to do it. They said, they have everything for me. I hate it to wake up in the morning and see the house is empty where I know there would be some people there maybe only in the evening. But when Im here, I know Im alone…so I don’t expect anything. Maybe I shouldn’t expect things. Not feeling trap or something but feeling crying because of frustration…haha.
I feel it is a silly question to ask. But there is no silly question maybe stupid or illogical question. If someone would ask me…Don’t you have to study? During holiday time…that’s crap. Well, I have to say that I have nothing to do there. And if you think I have nothing to do here, it is bad for me to being alone, assume that I would be sitting here watching the 4 walls, you’re wrong.
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| 84 days has expired - Part 37 |
| 01.20.06 (12:59 pm) [edit] |
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Got nothing today, no job vacancies for me, no EOS 300D anywhere…uhh, what a day! Haha. It feels like I have nothing again. I feel Im a bit desperate to look for money. Well, actually no…I just want to the feeling of earning something with my hard work for my future project. Sometimes it feels so hard to find one and started to think maybe I could sell some of my stuffs, or my ideas. :D
This book 'The Mastery of Love' by Ruiz is good. It opens up my eye a bit. First thing to do, to heal the emotional body. The mind has been talking too much and in fear. I have been in fear and possessive, hunting the love from someone else, thinking that he could make me happy and want more and when he is about to leave, fear invaded and thus possessive started to shine. Thought that I would feel good if he leaves, huh, at the end, I was the one who is suffering. I don’t even know myself back then.
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| 84 days has expired - Part 36 |
| 01.19.06 (12:06 pm) [edit] |
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Just think of how happy you would be if you lost everything you have right now, then got it back again
-Frances Rodman-
Honesty here…sleeping at night still wasn’t any good, getting weird dreams and caused me some anxious although I have started to do some meditation before sleep for few nights already. Remember to take a deep breathe after waking up for not falling back the same again. I guess I really sleep during nap time and not at night. Hmm…this is difficult but it will goes off little by little as cant rush things, it will only make myself trap again.
These word 'Let Go'. Learning to let go is to live within the memories and with all those stuffs that still reminds me. It is to be strong enough to live with them and changing perception each time take a peep. Maybe he doesn’t know well what I have been thru. I started to enjoy staying here again with the place once I felt trap, maybe enjoy myself to be alone again.
I was a bit curious when my friends who never ask how am I doing and they happened to ask, feeling weird about it but then Thank You for your concern.
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| 84 days has expired - Part 35 |
| 01.18.06 (5:29 pm) [edit] |
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A new day getting heal. Although I might start to look a bit cheerful on the surface but when you take a closer look, more deep, you might see there is still some sadness left over. Yes, still have nothing, jobless, all by myself, some ramblings on my chest, my pc, doing some research. Somehow, I would want school to start back fast. I would want to make myself busy, how to handle certain situation and etc, directing my focus to something more important.
I hope I can be hardworking. That laziness of 'tomorrow and tomorrow' only will accumulate more undone job and that’s weak. Im trying to enjoy myself here, enjoy what's left for me. I guess I need to do more on meditation as it might help a lot with my focus, silence, stopping the dialogues and be more balanced in life.
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| 84 days has expired - Part 34 |
| 01.17.06 (11:45 pm) [edit] |
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I wept because I felt good
I felt good because I have lost everything
My goal, my dream, my loved and etc
It feels like I have nothing at the moment.
Only myself and my engaging power.
I must have made a rushing decision because of my fear. Fear of losing him. And in that phase, I didn’t love myself much either. I have made myself fall into sadness, depression, stuck and stress. I kept thinking that I have no way to run and runaway is the answer. I was weak. I cant turn my worst situation to be better. All this internal dialogues and fear haunting me everyday. I have been living in a hell and I must have been living in my own fairytale world that shut my eyes totally for certain things.
Awakening has arrived. I don’t want to be suffered anymore, mentally and emotionally. That’s abusing. If you are afraid to hurt anyone, don’t do it. I love you just the way you are. I didn’t intend to change your way even though It was a bit shock for me at the beginning. I didn’t say it not because I was dumb but it was also a challenge. How much can you stand it? How much can I stand it? I can, I did, I dared and in the end I won. You don’t love me enough because you want to change me to something else that you want. That's disrespectful. If you don’t love the way I am, it is better for you to find somebody else who has everything that you want. I cant feed you with whatever you want. I love myself too. I change because of me. You don’t have patience. You don’t know how to be soft with woman. Your language somehow provoking, it was more like to dare then to inspire and you said you respect woman. Is this how you respect a woman? Think again.
I have nothing now. I have let go everything that once I still own. To start a new life, a new chapter, need a new plan, new goal and remembering dreams. I just need to know where I need to start.
If Im strong, I can say that I have lost everything. If Im strong, I have let go some of my fear. If Im strong, I can start everything from scratch again. If Im strong, I can work hard to get back whatever once I have lost. If Im strong, I can reverse it back.
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| 84 days has expired - Part 33 |
| 01.17.06 (6:57 pm) [edit] |
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The Mastery of Love
The following is a prayer for self love taken from the "The Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Ruiz:
"Today, Creator of the Universe, we ask that you help us to accept ourselves just the way we are, without judgment. Help us to accept our mind the way it is, with all of its emotions, our hopes and dreams, our personality, our unique way of being. Help us to accept our body just the way it is, with all of its beauty and perfection. Let the love we have for ourselves be so strong that we never again reject ourselves or sabotage our happiness, freedom and love.
From now on, let every action, every reaction, every thought, and every emotion, be based on love. Help us, Creator, to increase our self-love until the entire dream of our life is transformed, from fear and drama to love and joy. Let the power of self-love be strong enough to break all the lies we were programmed to believe - all the lies that tell us we are not good enough, or strong enough, or intelligent enough, that we cannot make it. Let the power of our self-love be so strong that we no longer need to live our life according to other people's opinions. Let us trust ourselves completely to make the choices we must make. With our self-love, we are no longer afraid to face any responsibility in our life or face any problems and resolve them as they arise. Whatever we want to accomplish, let it be done with the power of our self-love.
Starting today, help us to love ourselves so much that we never set up circumstances that go against us. We can live our life being ourselves and not pretending to be someone else just to be accepted by other people. We no longer need other people to accept us or tell us how good we are because we know what we are. With the power of self-love, let us enjoy what we see every time we look into the mirror. Let there be a big smile on our face that enhances our inner and outer beauty. Help us to feel such intense self-love that we always enjoy our own presence.
Let us love ourselves without judgment, because when we judge, we carry blame and guilt, we have the need for punishment, and we loose the perspective of your love. Strengthen our will to forgive ourselves in this moment. Clean our minds of emotional poison and self-judgment so we can live in complete peace and love.
Let our self-love be the power that changes the dream of life ... Help us to become Masters of Gratitude, Generosity, and Love sot hat we can enjoy all of your creations forever and ever. Amen"
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| 84 days has expired - Part 32 |
| 01.16.06 (6:00 pm) [edit] |
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I have been internally exhausted for weeks but couldnt see it from outside. I have repeated same dreams every night and woke up abruptly, making feel a bit bad and anxious. And sometimes it feels like im not sleeping at all.
Today had a napped for 3 hours, deep, fast asleep. I was in dreaming state throughout the whole sleeping process, woke up once and fall back asleep and dream again. It was like c.c taking nap in the afternoon, practicing dreaming and at some point didnt really feel good about it as the dream is calling me to GO. I woke up abruptly and needed to tell my friend about this. Somehow strange for me and it is happening.
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| 84 days has expired - Part 31 |
| 01.16.06 (12:44 pm) [edit] |
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After the rain has fallen.... All crash and burn. Im still not satisfied with it. Days pass by so slowly. Everyone has given me the support to go on with my dream, everyone thinks that I should need it, everyone thinks that im doing the right thing, the right move but they think it is just the other way round. From all the supports that I have, one of them is a malaysian girl. She has get it thru for herself. I dont know what am I going to do. Pretty cool that They ransacked my bag 
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| 84 days has expired - Part 30 |
| 01.15.06 (1:54 am) [edit] |
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WW3 corrupted @ 8.30pm, 6 January 2006
I dont know what else could I think. I cant imagine myself continuing this image that they have created on me. As I took some time to flashback about myself, the entire history and the current issue. Cant blame anyone on anything. I dont know if they are afraid that a slight changes could change the whole history or afraid of the outcome.
They dont believe in us. I cant blame us for unaware at that point. Maybe We lived in our thoughts too much or too much about yourself that we have neglected the important, to gain other people's belief and trust.
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| 84 days has expired - Part 29 |
| 01.13.06 (12:15 pm) [edit] |
She wants to be the writer for her life
To create her own story with love
To Fill the lines with beautiful words
And read it over and over again
To remind herself
That the world is full of love
There is no right or wrong
Only people who knows themselves
impeccable and integrity
Imagine the wonderful things
Place your hands at your chest
To open the heart chakra
Fill in it with love
See the love with your eyes
Feel the love with your senses
And there will be no suffering anymore
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| 84 days has expired - Part 28 |
| 01.13.06 (12:08 pm) [edit] |
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Part of her know what is it
Full of her want to do it
To see everything with love
She will be happy
Chances to leave is so small
Chances to change might not work
Chances to love maybe gone
Lock up in the world of deniable
Maybe not to be worried
Stripping her shield for the world
Never replace for it is good
To open her heart with sincerity
For the world and beyond
And the love and passion
Determination that comes to mind
Following the heart when the call comes
Who can understand it
The one who has the same passion
Who is denying it
The one who doesnt want to hurt themselves
Who is stopping it
The one who has the fear
Who is suffering it
The one who got awareness
Time pass by so slowly
Not knowing what to do
As the heart still the same
Urgent to leave
To start a new life in a new place
With a new hope and believe
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| 84 days has expired - Part 27 |
| 01.13.06 (11:46 am) [edit] |
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sleepless night invaded
the weary eyes of tears
the weary mind of thoughts
the flashes so strong
she cant ignore
the calling to leave
is haunting her
for the sake of personal freedom
still tied in the world of fools
when no joy could be found
oh so depressing day by day
unfavourable outcome may not be good
for her to limit herself
she couldnt flip her mind
struggle and struggle
the weary heart of determination
to break the chain full of masks
to tear down the pieces of fear
to fly away like a bird
wanting to be free and happy
maybe left her with no choice
but only one silly plan
to prove them wrong
struggling so much
Still believe in miracle
hoping a pilot would rescue her
this is all they want
to live with love, happy, spirituality and freedom
and one day it is gonna be the end
the end of suffering
only left the love in it
and still going to love the one who has hurt her before
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| 84 days has expired - Part 27 |
| 01.13.06 (5:01 am) [edit] |
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so silent
i listen to my heart
so silent
passion grows more stronger
Flowers need not to be watered
These rain falls infinity
Flowers Choke too much
Die at the end
sun hides before the clouds
thought it is going to be dark
but i was wrong
soon, it is going to rain
cant think straight
energy dehydrated
crocking sound could be heard
where do you think it might be?
i must be hungry
Not tired to still believe
One day it will unlock
Light will shine the way
Still trap between the undone
Waiting the pilot to come and save the day
Simple words to describe
Simple words to read
Simple words to understand
Dont tell me your story
with 100,00 words
What is late?
Time continues to tick
Time doesnt know day or night
Why people have to sleep when it is dark
Maybe day knows the answer....
Feeling good after crafting
Feeling funny because it sounds silly
Feeling cold because it has been raining
Feeling tired but I dont want to sleep
Ice cream is better than lies
Spaghetti is better than hurt
Pizza is better than suffering
Why animals still have to be killed?
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my silly poetic moment
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| 84 days has expired - Part 26 |
| 01.13.06 (1:57 am) [edit] |
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I just realized that Im suffering here, suffering from the domestication of this dream planet and I want to stop suffering. Somehow I could see this is happening in everyone and everywhere. But the first insight to look at is my own family. I could see that they live in a denial, fear and belief of the system. And I dont want to live like them. I want to live the life that I want.
Im still depress about it if my parents wont approve my decision and I think I dont know what will happen to me as I cant flip my mind to something else because I really want to do this. I came back home with the same mind and decided not to tell anything as I wanted to see how their reaction. Disappointed! Truly, she is in Fear. He, must be in stress too and another she, in Fear too. All of them must have come to one conclusion. Although I cant make any assumption here because I havent take any action yet.
- she really thinks that 'we' are nothing
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| 84 days has expired - Part 25 |
| 01.11.06 (6:06 pm) [edit] |
Tasks that have been done :
- Make important calls
- Return books to the library
- Send parcel
- Laundry
- Room cleaning
Tasks that need to be done :
- Write letters
Some things make me weep today :
- Listen to Lamb - Gabriel
- Read some things from Don Ruiz Miguel
Yes, I would really want to find out the true me. Of course it wont happen within overnight but I guess spending sometimes with the one who also understand the same thing, doing the things I like, seeing new things and experience might do me good. It is like a realization or a call. It is pretty difficult for me to change my mind what I have decided because I know what I want at the moment and I guess it is a good start. I need to get rid of some old parts of me such as fear, shyness, uncertainty to regain more self-confidence, self-esteem, be sure and love. This little heart of mine raging in hopeful that I would get all the approval and I guess it will be more relax if she knows it is fulfill and looking forward for a new challenge ahead. And I guess, this little heart will break apart if her approval is not succeed and I still have no idea how to mend if consequences come later. Although we have to think of the consequences but if the heart has made a decision, just follow the heart.
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| 84 days has expired - Part 24 |
| 01.11.06 (2:13 pm) [edit] |
Another day of rainy day, clothes might be stink for days, cold breeze everywhere, another day to remember but god damn that air-cond. Another day to pass by, sitting here, studying hope it works well, realized that I must have miss out something, I don’t spend enough time for the things that I like to do, occupied with schoolwork, sleeping and eating, soon the day has over. Im glad that I told my parents the idea. Whatever it is, I would like to stick to my idea because when I have decided something, it is hard for me to turn back. I have to move on and I need a new place.
Yet Another day of cloudy day. Last paper to kill in the morning. A difficult subject to cope with difficulties to solve the assignment alone but always feel calm as if it is a piece of cake when dealing with the exam paper. Although I know this subject might caused me some worse scenario but I always think I tackle it easily rather than subject which I think it is easy. Doing some marks estimation to check whether do I need to sit for supplementary paper. It is all have been said and done. No regret on doings, just have to be responsible for the act. Already for days, have this feeling as if I'm going to leave here for good, some mild feeling perhaps, keep looking at the clock as if 'is it time?', taking the last stroll around the living area, visit the old places and …..
Studying is just like any other tasks…eg: mopping floor, drive a car, cooking. Everyone only excel on certain things although it could be nourished but if one doesn’t have the heart or cant master it, then let it go. I guess studying is also some kind of same matter but everyone has to study. Exam is to test your Excellency. Some people just not so good with studies…I cant explain that. Maybe should say, people's learning techniques vary in many ways but then we only have one education system which must follow.
I guess if someone doesn’t excel in the exam, doesn’t mean that he/she is a failure. No judgmental. Everyone has something to learn from someone and vice versa. I wonder if they would be people who doesn’t want to be your friend just because you are a failure in studies. No judgmental only can be advised and help them for the best. But still one must do the best in whatever they do. Just have to look a bit closer to the person. I don’t know whether whatever Im saying here does make any sense or point, just couldn’t relate it with words…
· Thank you for your message and support and god damn it that air-cond again. This time went to the right venue and almost sit on the wrong place
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| 84 days has expired - Part 23 |
| 01.09.06 (5:53 pm) [edit] |
It is still drizzling, feeling cold. Sometimes it is nice but when think of doing laundry a bit headache with the weather. Music has been sounding good since yesterday. I enjoy it very much.
OK, I have tried my best to study although already losing interest to study. All information couldn’t get into my head as if there is a shield between them. Honestly, this is the first time that I was pretty much worse done it for an exam. First sign, I went to the wrong exam venue and so arrived 5 minutes late to the right venue. I feel that I could do it and as I proceeded with it, panic has stricken me and I just couldn’t even do it or anything, feeling panic and as if I was in some kind of different world and I started to weep at the exam hall. I tried hard to control back my tears and be more calm. But still I just couldn’t answer the paper, sitting there for a while, looking around and thinking what was I doing here. Is there anyway to go thru? For sure, the is a solution. I just couldn’t put my mind back to study when I have decided something. Im not trying to kill myself and to make my life more miserable. All this while, I have been worrying about maintaining good grades. For sudden, I happened to think what is it for. It is all something that read from the book and will not be implementing it after finishing school. How long is it still running? By the time you have ended, you have already forgotten about it. For now, I prefer to read and not just to read, act in it in the same time. Need practice to make it perfect and realisation. I wouldn’t say that I have blew it all up. I just think that my time has come. My mum wasn’t even shock when I told her I just couldn’t do the paper as if she is accepting the failure. But it is not so easy for me as I have think about other matters. There are certain things which stop me from doing anything.
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| 84 days has expired - Part 22 |
| 01.09.06 (2:26 am) [edit] |
Another rainy day as I feel much better when waking up. My mind was quite clear as if I have already decide to leave soon and I guess maybe that must be a right choice. Certainly, It makes me feel good to think that Im going to leave soon and drafting out what do I need to do before the leaving. Still, seeing him in my dream, I captured some good feeling about it and thanks to those people who giving me their supports and believe in me, pretty much appreciated.
Led Zeppelin doesn’t sound melancholy to me anymore.
This subject to study is a bit boring. Nothing much, all facts and the last few chapters even worse. Bored to death!
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| 84 days has expired - Part 21 |
| 01.07.06 (3:18 pm) [edit] |
It has been hot for a few days after he has left and today it has been gloomy the whole day.
Again, seeing him in my dream and also I dreamt that I would be going there but no ticket available for booking. Im still pretty much confuse or something. Maybe he has opened up my eyes and given me some believe that I can do it. I really want him to be more open with himself. Although he thinks that he is an open-minded person and could say what he has to say but still I think he is lack with his self-expression. I just want to know how does he feels and doing there. Don’t deny yourself. I don’t even like it. I still very open with my firewall and shield caused it has done good to me and I realised I cant replace back my firewall. It is only making me more hidden to myself and the world.
Honestly, Im losing hope to study for exam but I still try very hard in here. When I know that you are coming here and as the time got nearer with some obstacle, I could reframe myself back from sadness and really do the best for my exam. But now, when I know that I cant even go there at the nearest future, Im sad and Im lost and really need someone to talk to and I guess many would not understand my situation. I guess everyone thinks that we are a bit silly. I want you to help me to evolve. We can evolve together if we really believe in it.
When you were here, sometimes I feel that I want to be alone an when you were gone, I feel that I want to be with you. I enjoyed your great company even though it might be boring sometimes. You should have left me earlier if you don’t feel like it but you stayed put until the end. There must be something why you want to stay put till the end. 3 months! Everyone thinks that it is a long way. Got nervous when 3 months were approaching. Yes, 3 months still quite much but I have improved myself a bit from time to time during that period.
· Damn, I still think that im writing a letter to him :)
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| 84 days has expired - Part 20 |
| 01.06.06 (7:08 pm) [edit] |
Oh, she is worried again and still worried that the thing with me and Iga shouldn’t be exposed to any of my relatives. She thinks that it might caused her a big embarrassment and gossip…haha. Why would she is so worried about it? We didn’t do anything illegal and most of all we are not illegal.
Im feeling so stress now. I cant really study much but I still try. Really want to take a gap year as soon as possible. There is something more than this and maybe Im looking who is the real me inside and what is the best for me. I started to feel that this whole thing here isnt really for me maybe it is time to seek for myself what the world has for me. It is really important, maybe I should really do some thinking about it during the upcoming holiday.
Im not sure if they are really doing their job or the best they can. How much I dislike that the school staff didn’t reply my mail.
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| 84 days has expired - Part 19 |
| 01.06.06 (1:16 pm) [edit] |
Ok, now Im thinking about gap year. Surely, my parents will not like the idea but I would like to do it and it is not a waste of time as most people would think so. There is no hurry in finishing school. You can study anytime. You can even continue to study anytime. Im planning to take IETLS for standby and during that time I would like to go abroad, see more things, see what is it installs for me, maybe work but most probably impossible yet, look for schools, see how much it suits me and if don’t, I can always come back here anytime and resume back. Nothing to lose, nothing to regret, only a great experience, more open with stuffs, improve myself and be more independent.
Im still a bit sad after waking in the morning. Slowly, It will be overcome soon. I found out that he has a little note for me in the 'Little Inspiration Book' when I was browsing yesterday. Certainly, It made me smile :). I came to realise that maybe I have take things for granted too when with him and it caused me hazardous to myself. I could be a better lover too but I have to learn how to do it, maybe I have perceive or have the wrong energy when with him and well, all those things should be aware and change for good. Be strong for myself.
I wish him all the best in doing his thesis :). Dont stress yourself too much! Think about your health as well.
-cheering for suomi e'gineer :)
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| 84 days has expired - Part 18 |
| 01.05.06 (7:32 pm) [edit] |
Im almost give up to look for schools from abroad. Deadlines close enough that I have to do quick and handy research maybe 24 hours and I am missing out English Language Requirement Test. I should have start doing research earlier. Time constraints if I would go to do IETLS now. I should have taken it earlier even though the decision of going abroad has been halted for a while. Now, I could not be going anywhere this coming Autumn :(
Sometimes I think I put some hope on certain people who eventually deal with me that they would help me in the best way but at the end nothing happen and I came to know that Im the one who is doing it all alone with much hope and determination. It might pay off at the end. Im the one who has lots of power :P
After I had a nap and I thought again this sadness has to be stopped immediately and only left madness. Surely wont bring any good to me. Although I have realised it earlier but Im still stuck with it, Slap me! Haha…Yea, as people said to me that I have to take it easy baby. Things will come my way and things will be better soon. I have to enjoy what is left for me. I have to be calm.
Yes, everything has to start from scratch and slowly it will be ok. I can say that I have changed my sheet, I dare to smell the massage oil and it smells good, I went for swimming, I went to places that we have been before and I have been doing some research. I guess this must be the starting of everything and I shouldn’t be afraid if Im going to be stuck again or with whoever because I have the choice to do anything that I want. I have seen people who doesn’t obey my choices. I have the power. I guess most of the stuff that you are worrying about is Fear. I have to let it go.
I have to start to do the stuffs that I like to do and also some research. Maybe I would like to do it again "Healing thru Arts" as I have done that once before and it helps a lot. Yes, I like all kinds of artistic works that involve mind, body, spirit and vision. Still, Im losing interest in studying. I would like to take a gap year soon.
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| 84 days has expired - Part 17 |
| 01.05.06 (3:45 pm) [edit] |
Ok I really need some time to do it. Yesterday was good and today Im down again. I still keep seeing him in my dream. I happened to shed a few tears right after waking up. I hope I can talk to him soon because Im feeling a lot like it right now. As I mentioned before to him that maybe I need a frequent talk to him at this phase to help me to be strong again and get rid of clinging but I cant even see him anywhere. I feel I have been neglected but still face to face conversation is the best Or maybe this is some kind of challenge for me. Chatting thru online is suck. I cant see his expression and how much does it actually mean saying something and I don’t know how he feels and etc. Oh, I don’t feel like studying. I want to have holiday. I want to do the things I like. That would be better than studying for an exam.
Only a week he has gone. I feel like it has been a long time. Somehow I think going there at this point maybe good too as I mentioned earlier that I could do my studying abroad there more easily because all the deadlines are so close enough. I just have to bring all my documents over there.
I think Im really in bad condition. I just cant move away from my pc and cant do anything else than typing and researching. This is not even a good time to leave me as I would spend my whole day thinking but most probably mild thinking as he would say. Why does he have to leave when my exam near, when he wants to be there or go thru with me, when he could cheer for me? But at the end of the day, everyone has to leave.
Maybe I should tell him earlier or more of what I want, what I think, what im comfortable at and uncomfortable, what I like and dislike as I guess I wasn’t really ready for his leaving. There is also a good thing if I would go there next week, maybe it would give a new hope and courage and most likely be more stronger. A new place always give a new hope. Maybe I need a new place to heal myself. Maybe I really want to flee this, take a gap year and go somewhere. Somehow I cant take it anymore as Im feeling so stuck in here.
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| 84 days has expired - Part 16 |
| 01.05.06 (11:34 am) [edit] |
I feel a bit dumb or why I have sent that sms to him and I got no reply but that’s only self-pity. I just want to say what's on my mind. Don’t deny yourself. Say it, it wont hurts in any way and no shame.
I went for swimming today. Only a few people there. I told him before that I cant go to that pool anymore because it will only remind me of him but then to get rid of the clinging, missing and stuff, I went there by myself. I was a bit worried at first because my level of swimming still need a guidance to look after but then I could handle it by myself. It was nice. At some point, I felt so happy I could almost laugh like hell and at some point I almost shed a few tears because I felt I swam quite good today :D and I would like him to see it and celebrate. And at some point I felt so grateful to him that making me believe and with my determination, I could swim again after I have flee swimming for many many years.
After swimming, it started to rain heavily and I stood at the shaded pavement and waited for the rain to stop. I started to feel the similarity or could relate about my waiting for the rain to stop and the waiting to visit him. I could walk in the heavy rain, get myself all wet, reach home early and maybe might get myself headache or flu the next day or I could wait patiently until the rain has stopped then walk back and maybe wouldn’t get myself ill.
I feel good after came back home but not totally. Still I feel my body started to have some intact that I could feel my body again and I want them to be in good shape.
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| 84 days has expired - Part 15 |
| 01.04.06 (5:05 pm) [edit] |
The missing feeling works differently after we have met. The missing that used to be before we met, I guess was merely involve a little or lot of imagination and of course want to feel him. But now, after we have met, the missing works totally different, physically he is gone and I have felt him and I want him more…hahaha. And hope he could surprise me.
Why do I still think of going there again? Still playing around with the booking site. Why is it that you only start to feel that someone is important and appreciate it after he/she has gone? I guess the sad part is we don’t know if we can meet each other again either longer time or shorter time but I think if we or I believe in 'us' then sure we will meet again. Patience and wait might bring good result.
I have been really hardworking to write out what is happening in my mind. This is one of the way of self-expression. Yes, I did a good self-expressing back then. I danced as if there is no tomorrow. I danced as I don’t care about anyone who was watching. I danced as I don’t care if I was a suck dancer. Simply, enjoy the rhythm and moves! I think self-expressing is good. It is about be yourself. You will never know what will you discover about yourself if you keep it hidden inside. You will never discover that you actually have some talent.
Opinion and thinking can change anytime. I started to think that maybe that is love when you want to be with that someone so much and nobody else.
You may think that you are good in everything. You may think that you have been a strong person. You may think that you are good in all those qualities but at the end you may be wrong. When you with someone then you will realise that those qualities that you think is a good one is a big problem actually and it doesn’t do good for you or you actually havent been really changing. Transformation needs a lot of time, pain and determination. Yes, I need to change some part in me for good. I want to improve myself. Maybe Im looking forward for my holiday. Somehow I started to feel that I would like to start writing a life story or something and flee my studies. But I cant, I have final exam next week and my studies hasn’t been progressing really well. For now, I have the feeling for writing, flee school for a while, venture alone and learn something that is outside from the school syllabus.
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| 84 days has expired - Part 14 |
| 01.04.06 (11:22 am) [edit] |
I think I messed up quite much with "you", "I", "his" and "her". I must be thinking that Im writing a letter to him. Im sorry if I caused him some tension when I told him that I was coming there next week. I think if anyone knows me well have read this or even him, I think I have grown so much.
I still feel the pinch when waking up in the morning. I could smile and might get teary again but start to think about the happiness that I could get later and the happy moments when we have been together. Maybe when I start to smile and be happy about it, this could be love…I could feel love. The feeling of love is the most powerful thing. It might give someone much hope and keep alive. I think my sharing thoughts might make some people to really think about it and appreciate more the one they loved. Don’t loose him/her even though he/she is not perfect. No one is perfect. Have him/her if you think he/she should be loved and worthwhile.
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| 84 days had expired - Part 13 |
| 01.04.06 (12:58 am) [edit] |
Maybe I should start to think for his happiness instead. Maybe I don’t need anyone. I could be happy. I care for his happiness. I would be happy if he is happy. Maybe I could wait for months for my true happiness again. Maybe I could wait until we meet again. Maybe I need this time to evolve myself, to be strong. Maybe I could wait for 5 months more. Maybe I could wait like how we waited to meet each other for real. Maybe I could wait like how he could wait to come here. Maybe this is what is it…that I want to be with him even though if I cant. Maybe I could be there for his birthday. :D and maybe I can have my 2 hours hug once more…and now, I hope he is doing fine with everything in life. He gets to complete his thesis and no more worries. He is able to do his fav sports. He is able to stay healthy. He is able to reduce tension, stress and worries and he is able to feel good, happy, strong and spiritual.
I am more clear now and this sadness shouldn’t last long and forever. It is only taking up all my energies. Yes, I could wait now and strife for my best, to work hard and it will bear a fruit later. I have been chatting to a few friends of mine who had been thru the same thing like me. All of them are guys and have their loved ones in a different part of the world and met them thru online and they work hard for it to improve themselves and they got to be with each other at the end and if they can do that, I can do it too! As they advised me to take it easy, don’t worry and things will be better again and love will find its way. I can used the memories as happiness rather than start crying and missing him. Im feeling grateful and thankful to have him as a friend. Miracles, I believe in miracles, I believe in 'us', I believe in love, I believe in power, I believe in me, I believe in you, I believe in the power of nature, I believe in the beauty of the world.
I believe I can do it that I could improve myself, evolve, thinking of my goals, getting more contact with spiritual stuffs because I want my life to be more saint…haha. No time to waste, no time to loose. Everyday needs to be fulfill with some aim, a new thing or discover has to be learned everyday. Maybe I would like to start to write a novel or something. So, I believe I can do it. No one could help me, only the power inside me and now I would like to be alone for some time to engage some energy and power in me.
For now, I have to concentrate on preparing for my final exam next week. I still have time to make it up if I would start to focus right now. It is all part of hardworking. I need to do the best that I can or maybe the best in everything I do, no matter what…even in studies, might get a bit boring with it but I have involved in it, so I must do the best that I can. Thus, I hope I can do it and remind me if I start to be lack again.
We live in a beautiful world, yeah we do, we do
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| 84 days had expired - Part 12 |
| 01.03.06 (6:20 pm) [edit] |
When Im thinking to go there and he doesn’t think it is a good idea, maybe this is a bit selfish. Maybe I should think about his needs too. But then, he would ensure me to think it a bit more future.
I have cancelled the booking and now Im sad. It would make me happy if someone would allow me to go there then I would be happy and motivated for my studies. I cant think straight and terribly sad. People would think it is lot simple that we would be meeting online again. Hey no! Face to face conversation is the best. Chatting is suck big time because it doesn’t sound like him at all compare to face to face and we don’t want any everyday chatting again.
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| 84 days had expired - Part 11 |
| 01.03.06 (2:13 pm) [edit] |
I guess that what is it about…Love or whatever. That I don’t care if you are a boring person. The good is that I can be with you and have conversation with you. We can have conversation the whole day and night. I guess that is what is it when someone wants to be with you someone and realize after he/she has gone that it doesn’t matter how boring the person can be because I started to appreciate things whatever he have done for me even though he keep saying that he is not a good lover. No one is perfect. So there is no any perfect lover.
I happened to feel so stuck. I know I can be strong but somehow now, I need some help or support. It is really difficult for me. But I guess most people would advise me the same thing. I don’t know what should I do. If I would get help from someone, probably they would advise me that this is normal and don’t think too much. How can I not to think about it? Because it is still vivid in my mind. I need some energy to be strong. Im losing my energy because of miserable but sometimes I feel good and it doesn't last long.
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| 84 days had expired - Part 10 |
| 01.03.06 (11:05 am) [edit] |
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Maybe Im miserable. I could be strong, Yes I can. But talking to him online is a total suck. A face-to-face conversation is the best. Im not sure that if im going there at the nearest future just for a deep and spiritual conversation with him might make me or 'us' feel good. I started to feel so stuck in here, maybe I should go to somewhere. Maybe I regretted that we didnt have much deep conversation when he was here. But then, he certainly couldnt reach into that level for that conversation because he wasnt feeling overall good. But still we could. I dont know what is expensive...maybe when I see him buying a lot of stuffs like no one business, makes me think that money is just money or maybe I happened to convert them to Euro...haha. But still, we cant live without money these days. OH, I would really want to tell my mum about my plan but I guess he would be having so much shocking. I have to think about his needs and requests, I might be a problem for him to have me there. Anyway, I made some oatmeal for myself.
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| 84 days had expired - Part 9 |
| 01.02.06 (9:51 pm) [edit] |
I came back to the place where it had been said and done. I felt good but still not totally good. I have been looking like a sick person for days. I came back to my place and owwh! Why does he have to leave some stuff in my place?. Green tea, coffee, tennis balls, umbrella, shampoo, toothpaste, maps. Kitchen area that he used to cook oatmeal, toilet that he kept complaining that the flush system was so sucky, hall area that he rolled with aikido movements, my room that he ate and slept and ate and slept and pc and sweat and complaint about my dumb table fan.
I went to the town after that with my mum and aunt. Another special kind of feeling as if I have come back to where it was all started. As reached the area of shopping mall, Bob Marley's song No woman No cry started playing from the radio. We had not been in town for a long time after his first visit here. Yep, I directed him straight rammed to the lamp post when he was blinded walking :D. That Go-Kart opposite the hotel had demolished for some construction. I had my very first time go-kart experience there and I was good :D
I have been sleeping a lot and I like it but I was a bit afraid to sleep, that I might seeing him again in my dream.. I maybe sounded too much about this thing. I think he might couldn’t take it when reading them. But well, what can I do? I like to write. I find some peace when writing.
I even don’t have much appetite. I eat when I have to eat and all didn’t look very attractive to me. I went to shopping but I have lost the sense of shopping after some time with him. Everything I see, the clothes, the shoes all looked the same, nothing special, nothing captivating my eyes. Thanks to him, I don’t even know how to shop anymore :D
I went to the Bus Terminal Sentral to get some gifts. It was another place that should be touched to get rid of the clinging. That place we had coffee, that place we bought the tickets. It was something nice to remember and yet nice to forget after some time.
I felt pretty much lost when I came back to my place, maybe wasn’t even thinking right, maybe thinking about some silly plan. I have changed the sheets. I have washed my clothes and I have take a stroll walk from my place to the night market.
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| 84 days had expired - Part 8 |
| 01.02.06 (3:34 pm) [edit] |
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I was pretty much alone on New Year's Eve, staying at home with my parents on such an occasion was simply weird. As I watched the fireworks from the live telecast from the TV, it reminded me that me and iga supposed to watch fireworks together. But what a pity, he had gone a day before the New Year's Eve.
I somehow got easily weep when I started to think of something good had happened in my life and what was the best things happened in 2005. Yes, I was a bit weak in my body as if I have lost contact with my soul. My parents didnt take it as serious, I guess. They asked me when is him coming back again....I have no idea. They didnt ask me whether if I want to go there for a visit. :(
As usual, continously seeing him in my dream at night. I liked the feeling but it was a bit painful when waking in the morning and my mum had nothing else better to say than lecturing me on how to eat, where to eat, how to cook and etc etc. God damn! eat yourself then. And that was when I started to miss him. I hope there is someone who understands the pain or whatever it is...because he left some stains in my life, my place and etc. It must be so painful when I come back from school, open the window and not seeing him either sleeping or in front of the pc. It must be painful that I have to go swimming alone and I havent really master the frog style swimming. It must be painful that I have to try to cook oatmeal by myself.
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