I had a great time being around with my little cousins and relatives. The house is alive again as we were opened up to talk about how we feel and affects us in our way. We went to visit my grandma today. I felt quite calm and happy when I arrived at the temple. It was a happy moment as everyone comes together unity, co-operate and harmony.

Handphone craze, nowadays kids ranging age from 7-12 years just cant get over with playing games using handphone. I guess those games like nintendo and that gameboy or whatever are a bit expensive to purchase or parents not keen on buying for their kids. So, they move to handphone instead, the adults always worry about battery getting lowfuel and if they might drop them on the floor, going to cause a big headache. When they have them to play, you wont be noticing their presence as they sit at a corner, concentrating in playing. One handphone isnt enough for them, need several of them, they do comparison too…haha

I thought she knew, I thought she understood but maybe that was merely my assumption. I guess I will only ask things that how is it works rather than pointing or referring to something. If you refer to chinese people in china, don’t try to compare them with the chinese in malaysia, we are different. It is just my opinion. No offense. Thank You

I must be in dilemma of choosing camera and keyboard, that’s must have caused me a serious heavy chest filled yesterday and also my assignment. I could see some slight hope for my assignment.

Im feeling much better than yesterday. Not so pressure on my chest anymore. Yes, I am thinking something positive or maybe about a person. When I came back home yesterday, all of sudden I felt good, I started to like the idea that we are living far away. It is so different  than anybody else at least what I have seen or around me. I felt that we are a strong partner in many senses and maybe would like to share to everyone if this things work.

I was anxious + panic mode. A flow of wave living in my body the entire day, it comes and go. It arise up near to my chest and I started to feel a bit panic. Maybe I was a bit panic about school. By noon, I was more exhausted with the feeling that I had.

I met main ditch after class. She did something to her hair and her eyeliner became more drastic hmm…maybe she is following that 2 twins sisters style. Anyway, we went for dinner and she still have the same topic to talk about to become slim. I guess that’s her goal 3 years ago and I guess that she is getting more desperate about it. She wants an immediate effect which means an instant result, maybe in one day. 3 months, she thinks that is way too long already.

And jokingly I suggested to her to do a big or one lifetime investment for cosmetic surgery and she will get an immediate result within 2 days and there she goes, a fine body shape but her following question was…"what if I have already get slim in one day and get fat again the next month?" That’s why I said, invest in one lifetime investment and from there you need to take care yourself. After all, we need to take care of ourselves, our health, our body, our mind for the rest of our lives.

And I think changes just by putting a few strands of highlights on the hair or curl your hair is not much change at all or unnecessary. She called me to color my hair or curl my hair, do something different for myself every semester which makes me think that her image on me is

That I haven't change at all.

I paused and think for awhile. I have thoughts about it but still I don’t want to lost my original identity/appearance. It is so hard to find someone who is still keeping their originality. And I don’t think a person is change just by changing the appearance as many people would think that at the first place. Well, that is consider change too. For me, don’t have to change your appearance, when you know how to keep your life well-balanced, happy and full with love, it shows on your face, alive, looking good and that are changes.

Once again, I didn’t see her but she did, chatted a bit and left. Ok, maybe I would like to comment about that lecturer. I havent feel frustration yet going to her class but maybe I would like to say something that she is reading her own notes from the slides that we all already know how to read from there. Im wondering again about my stomach pain, is it something got to do with my emotions? I know that I still blank on doing that assignment which need to be submitted by this Friday.

I feel jammed again on my upper body, maybe there is something got to do with my posture or the way I sleep. Parcel arrived on time that I expected. As the day grows older, I started to feel a bit confused and uneasy on my chest again.

Things to be reminded :

1. Cutex
2. Toothpaste
3. Pencil
4. Pen
5. Hp cd
6. Shampoo

updated nilij.nutter series : http://www.geocities.com/some1sayhi/glynn/nili j1.htm" title="http://www.geocities.com/some1sayhi/glynn/nili j1.htm" target="_blank"http://www.geocities.com/some...

Sunday 19.02.06

Happy 26th Anniversary to my Parents and Happy Birthday to my dad

I wanted to tell her that what she needs to do with her regret…start to do something, maybe visit your aunts and uncles more often instead. I found out that most of them still pretty out of mood and depressed about the death. Face the truth! I just done finished my video on the funeral and no one is interested to see it. I must be crazy because I think it is good. Well, Im ready to share it out to anyone who is interested, I just want someone to see it.

I found this site from the shop menu http://www.jonker88.com" title="http://www.jonker88.com" target="_blank"http://www.jonker88.com

Saturday 18.02.06

Today is my brother's Birthday.

Im looking into it why I feel hatred when it comes to her. Talking to her online is irritating for me. One of the reason, she uses buzz a lot…haha,  that’s annoying, polluting my peace in here. It depends on me as well, sometimes when I feel good, Im the one who say hello to her, maybe because her respond is quite slow. Maybe Im still cant heal from what she has done to me or maybe not. Maybe Im the one who take it seriously that her actions causing me a mental torture. Couldn’t I forgive her?

It is a hot day today. That house is already pretty quiet, people who live in it adjusting themselves to the lost, feel bored. She loved watching TV and she learnt a lot from it. She even know who is Paul Moss. As what I remember, her fav shows including Bill Cosby, Mind our own language, Super Trio and many more.

"I'll confirm back with you.." waiting and waiting and waiting and silent. Maybe my speeches don’t have power in it but I have courtesy to ask. It is ok if you cant join, I just want to inform you, don’t force yourself or anything. If you don’t want, just say no.

Yesterday night, I attended a musical show organized by one of the school society. I was actually proud of her when I saw her on duty as an usher. Maybe Christianity or what is it has help her a lot.

I feel much better as my chest is open up, my upper body or my shoulder has been quite jam for few days already. I didn’t feel so good as the days go by. After went for running, yea havent been running for quite some time already. 3 rounds - 1200m non-stop, yaaa! I feel much better.

This week somehow it has been moving slowly or at least It is a bit long to reach to Friday. And now it is the weekend. I shouldn’t have gone to the music school at evening, that guy will start to work that time and he knows nothing shit about anything.

I just realized that I have lost 2 things at this beginning of the year. Last month was him and this month was my grandma. I thought I was really fine with the lost. But actually I do feel some sadness about the lost recently. May you rest in peace in your new place with your new life. We, here have to go on without you. Although it is weird, somehow our comfort zone has already attacked. You have your new life as we are trying to adjust to the living without you. This is also a new life for us as thing will change after a lost. I started to think about the important and closer persons to me. Emotionally lately as it is a nice feeling, not depression, maybe awareness and empathy.

Wednesday 15.02.06

A full packed day today. Somehow I liked it but Im not sure is it wise for me to take 6 subjects for this semester. Maybe I want challenge myself, maybe I want to stress myself :P hopefully not. I know I can study, Maybe Im really good in it. It is nothing silly if I have a new goal for academic, maybe Im in fear back then and think that studies are so superficial, maybe it doesn’t matter if I have a goal for it, a person with a goal will succeed. You can have whatever kind of goal in anything or no matter what you do, even the simplest and smallest. It might make you more focus and aware.

Compiled videos + images + music until I weep…that must be brilliant!

It is getting better for me. I just realized that all we need is focus in anything we do. I only shape up my focus when it comes to meditation, after all it is the right thing to do. As I noticed my attention distracted at times in the class, it is the same procedure that I need to divert back my attention to the class.

I guess the question about why do I need to study? And what is it for? Need to be bury. Perhaps I don’t want to question that anymore. I think it is nothing so uptight or typical if I or we want to study. It is just something that we do. I choose to study and so I need to do the best in it and in everything I do. Short to say that you need to do the best you can in anything you do. Something that you have involve in, you need to finish it.

I feel good, I wasn’t that sleepy in the class as I think back about my previous term. I think I was so much numb and stoned in the class and everything wasn’t right at all. What was funny? That foreign lecturer, I kept wondering what the hell was she saying…"wonly , wanly!" what?! It is "ONLY!"

My friend asked me if im going out tonight. I know that today is valentines day but soon after I stepped out from the house, I have totally forgotten about it and that question was a bit surprise to me. In my heart, I was thinking…where to?..haha….huh, my boyfriend! And then she corrected her question by adding the boyfriend word at the back. I don’t have my dear to go out anymore.

- sent parcel

Life has to go on. Even with blur and weird feeling, life still goes on, live in it. Changes started to appear each time after someone has gone or left. Sometimes we live in too much comfy until we don’t realize that nothing last forever. Once it is gone then only we will start to think for ourselves, how to proceed from there and so on.

It is not easy and not so fast to accept this changes. After came out from sadness and depression, I understand how they are feeling now. They just need time to recover. As we, the cousins openly talked about this matter on how to get thru because we are closed to her and the younger children.

They just need to have courage to look at those funeral pictures that had taken that day. I have sent the link to them as I encourage them to see now instead rather than later. Time to finish those tears by looking at those pics and then no more tears anymore after this or even after few months when looking back at those pics, no more sadness anymore…instead, they could talk about it, the good old days and smile.

Happy Valentines Day

Sunday 13.02.06

It's already mid-Feb. Do you consider it as we are moving fast or is it the rotation? A month ago I was down with depression, clearing myself and now Im on the 2nd stage of rehab. What is the 2nd stage consist? I don’t know. Lets see as for now somehow my mind a bit blank and blur.

Each time when Im part of the funeral thingy, my mind is a bit divert. As I look around and trying to find the answer where the soul goes or where to after death as I can only see the body is in the coffin. Im not sure if I could accept the belief that the soul/the death could hear us and the soul come back home on the 7th day. Somehow, at some point, I believe so.

During the prayers sessions, I always start to think what if? What if my mum or dad or someone who is so closed to me dies? How would I accept it? How sad I can be? How fast can I recover from the sadness? At some point, somehow I could related their sadness with the time I have when He left home to his country. The sadness and depression might be the same but death is something more.

I wasn’t feeling really. And this feeling I think I havent had it for a long time that I feel like crying but I still could hold it, could smile a bit and then it goes away. I weep a bit because I read an article was written for Valentine's Day, seeing that picture of an old couple makes me weep because they have strong love bond for half a millennium.

And still im feeling tired

Feb 9 2006 

The 4th day, I was free, mass production of folding that paper still going on...so much until we got bored and decided to have a small competition just to make the whole environment more alive again. Other relatives from SG arrived today. By evening, almost everyone already laid flat or tiredness but just for a while. Final prayer for tonight.

Feb 10 2006

This was the big day. After everything has finished. For some reason, everyone was paralysed with the color red. It was a bit weird to see red color in the house and anywhere. 5 days seeing our own relatives too much, just feel a bit weird too when walking around in the town, seeing people again and losing the touch of shopping and seeing things. Perhaps, for 5 days we had lots of things to do, quite nonstop until today we were not used to it when we have nothing to do.

Feb 7

Somehow I like going to school, it makes me feel as if Im smart, intelligent, independent, strong and all that positive words that you could think of. My dad has been busy sending me and back from school. Yea, I enjoy that too.

My 2 little cousins aged 11 and 4 got to know the news after they came back home from school. I was interested to see how kids react to death. The big brother I guess was old enough to understand it and he was in total shock. His little brother, not sure if he knows or not or what the hell is going on. Still all kids and including me going to school.

I was so exhausted after back from school and still couldnt get to sleep. No one could really sleep at the first night. I wonder how am I going to survive tonight...study and prayers. It was so nice to lay on my bed, so comfy but couldnt lay long, my dad was here to pick me up. Prayers started around 7.30pm, 3 rounds and ends around 10pm. My stomach wasnt alright after dinner. Someone gave me some diarrhea tablets, I guess. But I never trust and never want to take any medication for a minor problem. A bit ??? with the tablets that I have never taken before. I was given 10 tablets to swallow. I swallowed 4 tablets and the rest I chucked inside my pocket and they were still there...shhh! During the prayers, I started to accept that she has gone. We celebrated Chinese new year with her the last week and 9th day of CNY, she left us. I have lost the last one of my grand-. Now I dont have any grand- anymore. I had to study after the prayer finished. You can see me studying at outside of the house beside the roadside. For some reason I had a dejavu.

Whats good? Got to meet some of my mum's relatives that hardly can see them or see them before but I have forgotten. Other peoples eg: my aunt's best friend where we had lunch together once, exchanged details, update information and etc.

Feb 8 2006

At night still couldnt sleep, new problem and worries arise at midnight. Updates, updates, updates. uhh,,I have a jam neck in the morning, never going to be comfy, sleeping on the barenaked floor. Left school at 8 morning for supplementary exam. Yes, everyone remembered me that 3 years ago when my dad's mum passed away, I was going to have exam too, 5 days to final exam and the funeral was 5 days and this time..."you again! this time, exam :D"

Feb 6 2006

I received his long messages. My reaction was "wtf! 23" Yes that was real. After meditation at night, I got this happy feeling until I couldnt sleep and woke up in the morning with a breaking news that my grandma( my mum side) had passed away. Somehow I didnt believe at first because the news was brought to me in a joking manner. I went downstairs and saw my mum was sitting blankly at the staircase and thats where I started to believe it was real.

For some reason I believe I am a person who has real power. I dreamt of death the day after I came back from Melaka. It was clearly a death dream, right in front of my eyes. I wasnt sure if that was a sign or omen..maybe yes, maybe no.

We left Melaka on Thursday morning and now we returned on Monday morning. I was supposed to go down by myself in the afternoon if this thing didnt happen. It was a weird feeling. I guess pretty much different than I felt when my grandmother(my dad's mum) passed away 3 years ago. Oh, I couldnt stand hearing the crying, sounded so terrible that making myself wanna cry too. Whats weird? I saw her alive, talking, laughing before that week, waved to her after we left home and I came to see her again, lying lifeless and that time she was still not yet transfer to inside the coffin. Maybe somehow I couldnt accept it or it was a weird situation for me.

After settling there nicely for few hours, I started to help out with the folding gold papers or what is it call. My 3rd uncle arrived after us and oh no, another crying session again. Couldnt bear to hear it. Coffin arrived later and another moment of truth. It was the first day of new school term. So, I went to school for my first class at 6pm. I guess I was still untouch with the school reality or something.

1 February - 2 February

I have mixed up with the dates. The way how my aunt wake me up in the morning was double annoying than my mum. I was almost..."shut up! shhh" instead I raised my hand to indicate OK.

Another round of 40 years ago stories and talking about jobs.

At night, visited my godmother and family. Ok, I didnt realise that one of her grandson already started his primary education year 1and traced back where was I...7 years ago. 7 years ago, I was with him, I was in my last year of high school and he was still a baby, And that caught me to think of myself, what have I done and achieve within this 7 years. I started to count how many years did I spend for my higher education and it is still going on, what have I done? i cant think anything else that time than I met Paul Moss and I conquered Mt Kinabalu....haha.

31 January 2006

Dumb?! Well, if I dont feel like talking to anyone or my cousins, leave it. No forcing or anything because I dont want too means I dont want, thats just who am I, not going to try hard to be something else than myself. If you want to say anything about me, about my behaviour, please help yourself to do so.

Sleeping wasnt good in any days, sleeping on the bare floor was awful, I was in cold practically every night and my hip was in pain the next day.

I didnt know how I got mad again about it. Yes, I was missing him, thinking about the good days and turned out to be I was mad again with something. About Patience! I dont like if the person doesnt have patience, brought me back to memory where we were at the swimming pool. Honestly, I dont like anyone to scold me even if there is anyone who is trying to teach me. Thats why I didnt like my driving instructor too. He was ok on the first day we had lesson and the rest, he started to lose his patience. "Where's my brain?!" Where else could it be ? My brain at my ass? Tell me where is my brain located and then I'll tell yours. If you say my brain at my ass, I would say the same to you too.

30 January 2006

Movie postponed and continued to do visiting again but only 1 house. phew! back home early and continued to have food feast again. Lazying around at the evening, listening to my mum and aunt 40 years ago story and the 531 event. Yes, so much different lifestyles than today. Nowadays, parents need to protect their children from exposing to any danger, make sure they are not hungry, make sure they get enough food, make sure they dont get dark from the sun, work like hell for their children education so that they dont need to worry about financial and maybe look for job, they only need to concentrate on studies.

If you are a father, make sure you dont depend on someone else to raise your kids, make sure you organize a birthday bash for your kids, no matter what happen to the family, children still want to celebrate their birthday with their parents. I guess they would be happy if the father would buy a very simple small cake that would be enough, it would make everyone happy about it.

From my observation, children behaves according to how the parents have raise them. How a parents behave is how their children going to behave, the talking, the thinking and etc. From what I have seen, western and eastern style of bringing up their kids work differently.

asian kids : they like to play fighting, fight the bad guys, must be watching too much of ultraman and power rangers. they believe they are naughty when they do nothing wrong, only parents believe it is wrong. parents like to raise their hand at them when they do something wrong and so they like hit anyone even if they in anger mood and also hit their other younger siblings. Because of the raising hand, they like to throw things eg: their toys. Hyperactive, they touch everything and anything they see.

western kids : they play something more appropriate eg: balls, puzzles and etc. they watch cartoons and other educational kiddies show. they dont simply touch everything. they ask. they dont throw their toys.

29 january 2006

The day started as early as 8.30am. Yes, it was the first day of Chinese New Year. As usual the same tradition for years. This year added a few danes, the kiddos and the dad, their first time CNY here. Those 2 little danes brothers dressed in chinese style attire. Not to miss, having 'Mee Sua' or is it called as vercimelli is for longevity.

 By 2pm, I started to lose out energy. It was a hot day and the visiting took too long as I felt a bit dizzy and sneezy causing more pain in my throat. Still the agenda, eat ,drink, eat , drink. I remembered the funny incident where my dad was driving strangely at the other lane where it was 2 way streets. That big four wheel drive already signalled him and he was still going fast forward. Everyone in the car was wondering what the hell is he doing. And this time, collision happened at a junction where he overtook at the wrong side and it was a 2 way streets 

By 4pm, I felt I was going to be sick. By 6pm, rushed to my dad's brother house to watch lion dance. No one is impressed....must be too often already. We sat there way too long for dinner and finally moved to visit my cousin. I was exhausted at the end of the day and started to miss him. It was already a month when he went back. It made me smile to think of it. I was doing quite fine here by myself.

28 January 2006

The eve of chinese new year, as usual back to my parents' hometown early morning. I still have the sense to shop. I guess I was preparing for something which I wasnt even sure yet. At night, had family dinner at 2 places. I guess it went quite fast. Resting myself, listened to some current issues and stories. Yes, I was having fun listening to them. 

That little dane kiddo, the big brother caught a little lizard with his hand and handed over to me but it dropped between my legs. Oh damn! and he continued to play. I was sitting there, couldnt move and thinking that I must have sit on a baby lizard and it was going to die. oh no! so I stood up and he caught it again and showed to his mum. His mum was shrieking well not yet but everyone was freaked out at least afraid to touch a lizard.

By midnight, could hear firecrackers popped everywhere, could see fireworks up in the sky. It was marvelous, fireworks popped at simultaneously at different places.

I guess I didnt sleep well. It just feel like I didnt sleep at all, the dreams, feeling cold and I woke up with a sore throat the next day.

27 January 2006 

I actually like shopping. I got back my sense to shop. I guess everyone just need know how to shop. And I bought things like I never buy before. Shopping is like walking in the forest. You see and you touch, surrounded by arts and colors. We are surrond by creation of art.

Then, I stepped into a music store. I was still dilemma with the decision to purchase a keyboard. Walked around the store and stopped right at a casio digital piano which had the power on, punching the keys to test and flipped my gaze up at the book stand. A music book was opened and the Finlandia piece by Jan Sibelius was the page  Didnt want to relate much and walked away.

Walked around at the mall, I think I need to build up more of my self-confident and have my own identity. Because you dont need to look at other people to get inspired what you want to be or how do you want to look like. Just dont have to be afraid to be yourself and unique and walk around the entire city with it.

At night, still I wasnt really happy and feeling a bit depressed, maybe I think too much, my heart was in a haste. So, I was sitting down, crossed legs without the lights on and started to meditate before my sister burst into the room and shocked the hell of me and even herself....haha. She said she needed to sleep quickly and I can continued with my sitting in the dark because she was afraid to see it.