My midi music rendered by TM

1. http://www.geocities.com/jilin_goh/nilij.nutter-May_RenderedbyTM.mp3" title="http://www.geocities.com/jilin_goh/nilij.nutter-May_RenderedbyTM.mp3" target="_blank"http://www.geocities.com/jili...

2.  http://www.geocities.com/jilin_goh/nilij.nutter-April_RenderedbyTM .mp3" title="http://www.geocities.com/jilin_goh/nilij.nutter-April_RenderedbyTM .mp3" target="_blank"http://www.geocities.com/jili...

31 Mac 2006

Mental torturing is a way to practice your mind not to get more poison, stop, look, discard, sterile and etc. It was funny that my friend accidentally dropped her 2X2cm note during the exam and she couldn’t find it because it dropped behind her chair and so she had to sit in there for long, thinking how to solve because the paper dropped early…haha. I wanted to pick it up for her when I left the place that would certainly make her embarrass, to think of it..I might help her in cheating but it depends on herself to be honest for the exam.

I woke up with a weary and heavy in my head, waving movement each time if I would turn my head from right to straight, I had to close my eyes. I wasn’t sure what was it. Was it some kind of movement that caused in my head? Was it that im hungry? Was it that my eyes got strain? Was it that something unbalance in me? I had this long time ago before it occurs today and I had to skip my morning class and get more rest. I slept straight without turning my head to left or right and Iga came into my dream.

29 Mac 2006

Now I could say that it is silly that parents or anyone wants to stop their children's activities example: sports, music lessons, swimming lessons and etc just to concentrate for the national exam. My friend wanted to sell her sister's piano because they think that music lessons have effecting her studies and soon she will be sitting for national examination. But if she is poor in music, why or who let her to learn music at the first stage? Anyway, it's a silly idea to stop or to sell the piano. Of course, there are reasons why to sell. And if the reason is because going to stop music lessons and therefore not going to touch the piano again which means that's it…I think that's not a good idea. For some reason I think my friend is a bit jealous too because she didn’t get her violin from her parents. Those activities are good to help you to release your tension as well as could shape up mentality, physically and spirituality to perform better in life. I wanted to exercise my fingers on those keys but I cant.

I guess you will get inspired and know your path or what you wanna be by having those activities. Studying I guess you couldn’t predict anything or see the light. Mostly it's about getting basic information of knowing little bit of everything and the rest is your hardwork for research. You might find and know yourself better with those activities and could see where you are going. I thought that I don’t have talent in music but at some point I think I have. I must give myself a try, a second chance.

30 Mac 2006

It doesn’t seem like going to rain but it rains

The rain of joy indicates happiness

Feeling good and It makes me smile

I want to share it wherever you are

wherever you are, wherever you been

Everything is fine makes my heart smile

Music keeps me accompany like it always been

It has been days, I have been hardworking

and there has been more in handling my life

27 Mac 2006

Last Saturday, I was surprised, seeing my cousin aged 11 using internet, having msn account, talking about downloading songs and burning them into CD. Wow, the world has changed. Children these days are much more advanced and open to more opportunities than children in those days. Is this a sign of improvement? A culture differences? Age gap? You decide.

I was enjoying making objects with 'plastisin' or clay, used to play that when I was in primary and kindergarten years.

28 Mac 2006

I got a dream. I got accepted to further study in Australia and need to depart on the next day where I had not even ready anything, packing and stuffs and I was still relaxing.

I could see and feel that there are many forms of people especially in my friends. Sometimes I dislike their attitudes towards certain things or I don’t want to it effect me now or later. I think Patience is the main thing in many aspect of life. Calmness in need to have good concentration. Determination instead of anxious and hurry. Believing that can solved anything with the help of some knowledge that you have. If you could see it, you can smile by yourself that this is it, the rhythm of people and you can be sure that you don’t fall on their faults as you can stay who you are, what you are on how to deal certain stuffs.

27 Mac 2006

I have slept for quite long, it was deep until I didn’t notice that my housemates had gone for school and I got a few dreams, mostly continual each time I alert a bit. It was at night, I had  class. I was sitting at the back. I got a new friend, well no actually, the girl was from my primary school. We were closed back then. After class, I was with her. We were deciding where to go and entered a shop selling wool, beads, strings, ribbon and etc. I was asking for beads and strings to make a necklace…then puff! Scene changed to my grandma's place. Then puff! I was in the class again at night. I was sitting in front and after that, we went for a short trip in the bus to somewhere. I remembered I was amazed by the beauty of a scenery when we were in the bus. All those little details mostly were in melaka but the place looked totally different. In front of our eyes, there was a beach. A lot of people were doing sea sport activities such as kayaking, banana boat, sailing and on the sidewalk. They were people rollerskating, cycling, racing and motocrossing on the same track. The view was beautiful as it was getting darker and darker. A few small islands were scattered around. We didn’t know where we were actually and looked for signboard and called my friend to jot down. I remembered it was something "Udang Pantai" and saw a building, wasn’t sure that was a hotel…something with the word.."Crystal". We were on a long bridge. Before the bridge ended, It was a port with many containers. It was a busy port with nicely organized as well.
We stopped for a short break, went to fill our stomach. I ordered watermelon juice in a small glass and it cost about 3 ringgits. Then I woke up…

26 Mac 2006

Quickly passed, it was the 49th days. It was a bit boring, sitting at home, waiting one by one of my relatives to arrive but I was amazed with myself. I was feeling a bit tired in the morning and then the feeling had gone when late afternoon arrived and soon I didn’t need any nap anymore and last till at midnight, I wasn’t feeling like sleeping but still I should get a rest. I read the whole book for the entire evening about 'preparing death and helping the dying in Buddhist perspectives and other spiritual titles for us to read and share. I chose that book and started to read it. Yes, it stated that we are afraid of death, take as a bad sign and we know that we all will die one day but we didn’t really feel it and into depth. People would ask me what was I reading and I showed them the front cover and they were like…big 'O'! Well, it was nothing scary about reading that book. At the end of the day I didn’t take the book along. I didn’t know why, maybe I have read it finished and no one choose the book and it was there, on the table, still available, the leftover or one and only one book that printed in English has not taken.

It will make a person stronger either to have a child or going for an abortion. A child will remind you back about what have you miss being a child. After all, all those philosophy books emphasize about being free, happy and etc is based on child psychology. We get more stuck and wiser as we grow. Being with a child, you can learn many things especially it reminds you to be a child again. Not trying to behave like a 5 year old kid but to be carefree and happy. As it happens to everyone, when they get more wiser, they just drop everything what they have done as a child and trying to be an adult as the adult is reversing.

Parents have to well-behaved in front of their kids because children's observation and absorption is double faster than an adult. So, they will mimic the parents behaviour exactly and you think your child is naughty and misbehave like a little monster, think again! Because they are showing their parents back how their behaviours and if parents scold them because of misbehave, which mean parents hate themselves so much. Parents just don’t see it.

25 Mac 2006

I had some dreams. I went to climb the hill, it was so steep reaching 90 degrees and took another route which has stairs. It was a magnificent view up there. I have never known that there was a beach behind this area and there were lots of people, sailing and etc. I could hear the wave roared and thought to myself that I must come here one day.

Another dream, a bit continuous after I saw the beach. Me and Him were having a great time at the beach and upon leaving the place, we were discussing what to eat, he wanted Roti Canai. Unfortunately roti canai already finished.

25 Mac 2006

I don’t know if she is stupid or what. Ok, I have the courtesy to ask if she wants to join me for running or swimming although I know the answer would be negative and always would be, she have to ask her bf first or she thinks about it, Ok take your sweet time to think. So, yesterday I asked her whether she wants to join me for swimming and she said that she wanted to think first. Ok, I knew what was it by then. It's ok to reject my invitation, if you don’t have time just say NO! if you have something else important to do, just say NO. I would get hurt by that rejection. What I found out today that she told me that she had midterm yesterday night. Great! She could have told me about that. What are you afraid for?

I understood his case with his friend. Yes, I have this type of friend too which I just elaborated above. I know complaining is not good because it is nothing but some kind of hatred or criticizing. But in this case, it has been bogging down in me that at some point I just couldn’t stand it that I have to blurt it out because it has effect a bit of my mind and emotions.

It’s drizzling very lightly here. Ok, Im not sure again whether to purchase keyboard or digital piano. For real, Im a classical trained pianist and not much knowledge on making music and recording but I'm interested with it. I want a full 88 keys to be free on board, maybe im not used to it. Digital piano also has the function for recording, USB port, song bank and tones but it's a bit expensive.

22 Mac 2006

21 Mac 2006

The sign of remembrance will be in our heart and mind when a person has gone. Do come back, it will make you happy and it will make her happy too in a way that you cant see it but you can feel it. Try to do something now, try to be part of it, death doesn’t mean it's the end. Death changes. Death doesn’t make your life more easier that you have no burden anymore. It will make you more realize what is life actually, what's important, the value, people around you, your loved ones and the worth of living.

How many times do I have to repeat this? Damn!

Does he know what is Certified True Copy means? He certified by himself, he is so smart. Reference number you have to write on another envelope that they will send you back if you'd get a place there…not on the one itself. Don’t you know how to read instructions?

It has been more cloudy day by day. Everyone loves it because it got to cool down the hot weather for weeks.

20 Mac 2006

Yahoo…net is ok already…and get to listen to Whisperings radio after a long time. Awesome! I thought the station has sold to the VIPs which means need to pay in order to listen. Oh well, tried again today and it works. Awesome station, introducing many great new age and contemporary pianist in this era that you might never heard before.

http://www.solopianoradio.com" title="http://www.solopianoradio.com" target="_blank"http://www.solopianoradio.com...

16 Mac 2006

She still has the same topic, the same depression for 2 years or so, lose weight, lose weight and she did nothing, wanted a fast way out and blaming that she gets fat because she has a boyfriend. What the fuck? Called me to buy a car and pay monthly installment with my loan money. It is so easy to say, after you buy one then you will start to complain about every month has to pay such amount and might be more stingy because you need to save, maybe she can lose weight that time.

I guess the net has back in business…:D

18 Mac 2006

I was strike by dizziness when waiting for them, my eyes feeling a bit tired. Suffered constipation for few days.

13 Mac 2006

I felt a tingling sensation on my right thigh during the lab time and again when I was having my dinner at Heritage. I ate 1 1/2 plate of rice. It was fun though. Cooking is a form of art, creation and blessing. You just need to enjoy the food and not afraid to eat. Imagine children that never taste any luxury foods before and then they have chance to eat good foods. They might be afraid to eat that delicacies because they never seen any like that before and wondering if that food is able to be eaten or they might not even enjoy it because they just cant eat, they are already sick because of no food given.

14 Mac 2006

 It was Tuesday yesterday and I thought it would be Wednesday. Connection totally out. 11.40pm, then only I realized I should have prepared for my maths tutorial tomorrow but no net, I have forgotten about it and I must really check for the midterm test on this Friday, the venue and time to reconfirm, yes…I have forgotten that too, no net here.

15 Mac 2006

It was the opening of 18th Commonwealth Games 2006 in Melbourne, Australia. According to the history, Australia was the first host of the games in 1938. The Queen's baton has already upgraded hi-tech. It reminded me or I just remembered that I was running for the Queen's baton when Kuala Lumpur was the host in 1998. It was raining that time and had to run under the rain. It was fun. And again I was aimed by Mr Wong today in the class. He is a bit psychic..haha. You may think that he doesn’t know your name but he does eventually. I was feeling a bit ill at night and it was funny how Arcrutus sounds good with a bit ill condition.

13 Mac 2006

After the connection went so down, my head went so jammed, my coding went into the rubbish bin, I just cant do anything. Instead I did some video editing and midi. At least I did something …haha.

It was weird how you couldn’t sleep because feeling happy but eventually got to sleep and it turned out in your dream. I tossed too much on the bed as if having nightmares. At the beginning I felt good and wanted to send a message to him and then it was getting more like a dreamstate…"I cant sleep, I feel good because I can feel that I have been loved by you, I can feel that you're gonna be love me more and care for me.."

Wow, I was amazed, Gun n Roses - Patience sounds good today

12 Mac 2006

After 12 hours of coding+singing+cooking+ea ting, it's all wrong, wrong, wrong and stuck stuck stuck. I read the requirement wrongly and I went blank. I don’t what to do next, maybe rather just go to sleep…sing along with the Scorpions.

I had a nice dream. Now I Know how to divert your mind from putting myself into an awful day or feeling bad about myself, just simply "pause" and continue with the present or something else. Im feeling good and weird, I thought must be the COFFEE effect, aroma of the coffee, truly awakes the day…haha. I like it, I dreamt we were at Starbucks..haha that’s why! The more I sipped, it put me in some kind of state or situation that I wasn’t here but I couldn’t really get full effect of it. Music sounds good, I enjoy singing along with it. Everything sounds perfect and you know that you are feeling good by it, Now I know why Christian followers love to sing. They feel joy.

Sitting in front of the pc, connection not working, coding stuck, having a sensation on my right thigh, causing me a bit laughing sensation, cant do anything and thinking should I go on with this coding or just ignore it. Coded them exactly from the notes and still not working..argghh,,haha. I have nothing to do now…haha

Oh I miss playing piano…a good fingering exercise as well as for the brain and for release tension. Really, really, really, I find it is calming. I just don’t have enough equipment. Cant afford to pay 7 bucks an hour playing

Hmm…did you make me recognizable or make a history? Ginger guy asked about him…that’s impact, I guess.

11 Mac 2006

I dreamt about my grandma, quite vivid this time and a weird too. Since we know about handling funeral stuffs, they started to have funeral service for other people. Although grandma had gone, she was there to help them indirectly, giving some tips to other passer-away and I saw her dressed in her own maroon dress, sitting at the dining table, eating. For real, she sat at the kitchen, eating alone because there were visitors at the hall for CNY. We came down and saw her in the kitchen and asked her why.

Me and him went to that area to eat frequently or I can say almost everyday until we can claim us as regular customers. He loves that particular ginger chicken guy's food. I guess that he have nothing else than his food and if only he isnt around. We were pretty much obvious when we had our Christmas hats on, sitting at the center crowd. I wasn’t sure if any sellers would recognize me or something. Pretty much surprise to me yesterday when I buy food from this lady. I cant remember when was the last time I buy food from her. She said to me that she havent seen me for a long time. I was a bit ??? Then she asked me.."went back home already? Now staying here?" I was more ??? And replied her that Im studying here. I guess that she would think that her assumption is right or now she got the clear picture. She must be thinking that I went back "HOME!" And now I came back again, probably reside here and study here….haha, hilarious! But nice :). Nice lady. I havent been to that Yamaha Music School for a long time too, I wonder what the lady would react or be thinking if she would see me again.

10 Mac 2006

I got a dream that I entered some kind of a boarding school with a style of ala the elimination. I had to do check up from the medical group. This doctor received to many patients at one go and freaked him out that he had to take a short break. I waited with the other joiners. Waited for long, I was called, oh now it turned out to be a different doctor. I went up on the weighing machine. I sat to measure my weigh rather than stand. And the doctor looked at it with unbelievable. That meter shown 404 in kIlogram which means 40.4 KG  actually :D. I kept on sitting there, waiting for the next comment. I thought it would be 450KG. It dropped. Then, I told her that I had a history of having stomach ache. We had the first elimination round. The announce will call the names that is going to stay in. I thought I was going to be eliminated because of my health but I stayed in.  There was a weird to cure me, I didn’t know what to cure, she helped me to rinse some water on my hair and then went for a water pour on my body in a circular covered my rack that had been stacked with clothes

What the fcuk is this? Today I'm a bit impatient and frustrated. Most likely I'm frustrate with myself and that’s self pity though. My mind is poisoned that caused me uneasy, anxious, tension. I could feel it, my heart is not in peace and my mind is mingling with stuffs. But I can cope, technology frustration is another agenda. I guess I'm worrying about something or keep thinking about it. Tell me no need to worry as there are matters of life, get them free flow, just don’t need to be so hard in thinking of what should do with it…haha, I'm crazy!

I rolled over from my bed and fell onto the pile of my stuffs and now my neck and shoulders are jammed

It was no longer an Information System Development class, it had turned to be "I Sweat Data dictionary out". Hmm…I was wondering which fault was on the side. The students or the lecturer. I have some comment about that lecturer, she doesn’t have much information to say, she just repeat the meaning of a term or do some variations of the words and that’s all. I have been to that class previously for half of the chapters. Now, I have to retake the class due to certain circumstances and I don’t expect her trying to remind her old students what she had taught in her database class last term. Don’t try to recall what was it in the last class. There are new students too. And I come to the class because I want to renew my information.

Blessed the technology!

A Zen day. Breathing is a good technique. As what I read from somewhere…when inhale is to live and when exhale is dying. I breathe my blockages out as I could feel in my chest. Being silence in the morning, I think I must have some fear in me that I had the feeling of nausea. How do you know it is enough? Or when to stop? Somehow it was undone process and I went for a nap. Nap wasn’t that good. Another round of sitting silence after waking up, the images of recap since I was a baby till this day, the journey of tiny toot to youth to dark ages to innocent to lighted till this moment. I was in the picture on a spiritual journey. I wept thru the journey when it touched January 2006. Music sounds good!

Gentle reminder: You can take whatever of stuffs with you after I would be gone :)

Potato Mushrooms Tomatoes with frankfurter and cheese

I got a dream that Im going for mountain climbing again.

Kingston Wall is good, drummer has his own variations as if there are no musical notes to follow because when you listen to it, you just cant follow his beat or his styles because he hits the cymbals or roll (dont know what is it call) more than any other drummer…

OK, I messed up with the date. I know that 13 Mac is next week but I see this week's date as next week and wrote 14 Mac 2006 in my writing. It's Wednesday and I thought it's Thursday.

I felt as if I havent wake up from my dream. Well, no…I mean sleep that I wanted to see more with my eyes closed. I saw dead body again….twice. Maybe it was a weird day today, chicken rice man greeted me in Thai, Mr Wong called my name right in front of the class and I was still searching for him, maybe I looked lost and blur that time. I believe so that that man really appreciates knowledge's and love teaching.

The connection line has been really crazy for days. It was getting better last Friday and this week it is getting worse again. I know, this thing can cause a person to be tension or frustration. Just keep it low and cool! If it cant do much things, don’t force it. I could transferred 3 songs to thru online to my brother yesterday evening, need to be fast fast and the rest was history, just sitting there waiting for the page to load and refresh refresh refresh. Bad thing was didn’t download all the notes from online and now I just cant do anything, cant read anything.

Now, just for few seconds, tasted the normal functionality of the net and lucky me I could download some document which I saved in my briefcase, msn messenger suddenly worked and the rest was history again. It looked like msn needs proper connection to get connected where as yahoo! M doesn’t need it, it just down and up again, down and up again.

Saturday

 I felt a bit light when walking at the city center that day, A feeling that I wasn’t belong here and in the same time feeling as if I was back to the past, faces in the streets looked familiar, seen before but didn’t know where. Hmm, I enjoyed walking or going places by myself. I felt strong and confident and need to have everything, aware/alert and etc. Well, at some point, just enjoyed everything around us especially the sun.

At last, someone watched my edited funeral video.

Rock bands rock, baby! I watched Scorpions Acoustica Concert VCD for twice and certainly lead singers have their very own specialty in their voices and how they present their songs. They also superb lead guitarist, bassist and drummer. They are all genius, cant really judge them as the King of Guitarist or whatsoever. They have their own styles.

Hmm…maybe I was wrong. I don’t know how she behaves at school. I couldn’t picture just by verbal stories. Maybe what I see is what she is. Could it be that she has two personalities? Might. Oh, I don’t like it how she sounds online. Don’t take things personality. I know she is joking but I just don’t like how it sounds.

The more you think about what you shouldn’t and should do this and that, the more stuck you'll become. I should start to think it more lightly and maybe focus on relaxing more. Im just being tired these few days. Have I missed out something? It's already March, another 3 more months, it's going to be half year. 

Ok, this is weird, I just realized that I had been before that I didn’t go back home for 2 months and they were missing like hell and now or as usual, when I wanted to go back home, everyone disapproved my decision or asked why?! "I cant?"

I don’t like the way how he teaches, not boring, not totally boring but he makes the simplest things pretty hard to understand.

I watched her from the second row. I was wondering whether she attends ISD class or some sort of art class instead. She had her notes all nicely highlighted with 3 different colors pink, green and yellow. I guess she spent more time on deciding which color to use to highlight the important facts.

I had a dream on morning napping. I went to a grocery store and it was raining. I spent quite a lot of time there, deciding and picking stuffs. After finished picking up, I went to the cashier to pay and I was silly that I lost the ability to count my money. After paying the money, my stuffs were gone. Another man had took them….

Another dream was my mum had changed her perception on me and gave me the permission to go travel by myself since I have done it before and I know it.

I had a moment where I was just laying down, listening to music, imagining that I was at a beach at night. Lied on the warm sand, looking at the dark starry sky above me, swaying leaves from my left side as the wind blows. No one was at the beach. I was alone.

Wednesday 1 Maaliskuu 2006

I enjoyed taking pictures.

It was a terrible hot day. I just cant imagine that I walk back and forth so frequently as if it is night. I told my friend that I have the passion of it, to enjoy the sun and getting tan. At noon, for all of sudden I felt something, might be a wave or energy surrounded me and I started to feel ;) for sudden. In the evening, I felt another type of wave as if pushing me from behind that my pace was a bit faster for a few seconds.

What upsets me is not that you lied to me, but that from now on I can no longer believe you

-Friedrich Nietzsche-

I happened to like this little book, "Lifes Little Inspiration Book". It is good.

Honesty is the best policy.

Im glad that I have reduce in lying, I tried to change, I tried to limit. Im sorry that you havent realise it that honesty is the best policy. I hope you will realise it one day and it will make your life more pure and wonderful. You never know that I feel so painful when trying to cure my little lies but I did tried, little by little and Im happy that im being honest. How much can you lie? How much do you lie per-day? Are you trying to hide or runaway? You don’t live your life accordingly, you are hiding it away. Don’t live your life as a liar. Live your life with your true self.